We know that part of our mortal life includes opposition.  We cannot know and appreciate the good in life without understanding what conflict and heartache feels like. Even in the best of marriages, conflict will inevitably surface. Dr. Gottman describes two types of conflict: perpetual and solvable. He believes that most of the conflict in marriage boils down to a perpetual issue or one that will continue to resurface unless it is resolved.  Gottman explains “I have found that unrequited dreams are at the core of every gridlocked conflict. In other words, the endless argument symbolizes some profound difference between you that needs to be addressed before you can put the problem in its place.” Simply put, usually there is an underlying feeling, emotion or issue at the core of the perpetual conflict. Do you suffer from a gridlock issue in your marriage?  Look over Gottman’s list of gridlock signs:

1. The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
2. You keep talking about it, but make no headway.
3. You become entrenched in your position and are unwilling to budge.
4. When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated or hurt.
5. Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection.
6. You become even more unbudgeable over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these conversations.
7. This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your position and polarized, more extreme in your views, and all the less willing to compromise.
8. Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally.

Dealing with a perpetual issue in your marriage can feel pretty daunting. In fact, there may be times that you have even thought that your marriage might not survive if you or your partner don’t change their way of thinking, however, Gottman explains that “you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.”  Yes, you read that right! You can still have a thriving marriage even with a major issue in your relationship. So there is hope for those deep rooted issues and I will discuss this more fully in my next blog post. However, for this post I’d like to focus on solvable conflict.

First, have you ever had someone try to give you advice, but you felt that they were judging you or talking down to you?  It makes it very difficult to listen and accept when we feel misunderstood.  This same principle applies to our relationships.  Gottman says “The bottom-line rule is that before you ask your partner to change the way he or she drives, eats, or makes love, you must make your partner feel that you understand. If either (or both) of you feel judged, misunderstood, or rejected by the other, you will not be able to manage the problems in your marriage. This holds for big problems and small ones.” Our human nature is to dig in our heels if we feel criticized or misunderstood so the natural antidote to that would to be to do the opposite. We must make sure that our spouse feels loved, understood and as if we are not criticizing their behavior.

Once we understand that first principle, we can focus on our startups. For example, if I want my husband to take out the trash, I know I’m not going to get very far if I say “Tommy, I need to, you take out the trash right now!”  “It’s overflowing and I’m really annoyed!” Having been married to him for 17 years I know that he is immediately going to be on the defense and will most likely dig in his heals and make me wait.  Instead, I can kindly come to him and ask for his help in taking out the trash with a sweeter, and more understanding tone and startup.  Using an “I” statement is very helpful, such as I feel…. or I want…or I would….

Next, we must learn the value of, and how to use repair attempts. Gottman describes repair attempts as a way to put on the brakes to an argument. It’s okay in the heat of an argument to tell our spouse “I am wrong,” “I want to be gentler to you right now, and I don’t know how”, “you’re starting to convince me” or even state “this is a repair attempt.” All of these statements defuse the argument and allow your spouse to see that you want to work through the problem and not continue to bicker.

Gottman also suggests that you Soothe yourself by leaving the situation for a minute if you need (note: men taking longer to calm down once they are upset than women), use compromise by writing down the problem and then come up with areas within that problem that you are and are not willing to compromise on.  Have your spouse do the same exercise and then compare your notes and then figure out how you can each compromise and give up the things that aren’t as important to you. Lastly, we must be tolerant of each other’s faults. “Conflict resolution is not about one person changing, its’ about negotiation, finding, common ground and ways that you can accommodate each other.” Flaws in our partner are normal. Everyone has them but our job as a spouse is to be accepting of each other. We must focus less on how we can change our spouse and his/her weakness and more on the things that we love and appreciate about them.