Gridlock can take a happy relationship from joyful to miserable. What exactly is gridlock? Gridlock is an underlying problem in marriage that continues to come up as an issue. It can cause a lot of grief, and hurt feelings and as I previously mentioned it can also make marriage miserable. Oftentimes gridlock leads to divorce, however Dr. Gottman offers some advice on how to work through these problems.  He states "gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren't being addressed or respected by each other." We want to be heard, and understood.  We are emotional beings that have feelings, thoughts, and desires for our life. This is part of our human nature. When we feel that our deep seeded dreams are not being met in our relationship, we can become angry, hurt and gridlocked. The first step in overcoming this is to understand what feeling, or what the reason is behind our dream. For example, I have a friend that is controlling. She is organized and structured to a tee, and runs her life (and family) like a group of seaman on a Navy ship. This drives her husband crazy and has been a large source of conflict in their marriage. He feels bossed around and like he is a visitor in his own life due to the fact that he isn't allowed to make many decisions without a fight. She feels that he is disrespectful of her feelings when he won’t fall in line.  She also feels that being orderly and structured is what works best for her life and the life of her kids. They are gridlocked on this issue. As an outsider looking in, I can see that they both have good intentions.  She is trying to do what she has always known. Her mother was the same way, and was actually much harder on her as a child. She feels that she’s toned it down, and her family benefits from this.  He feels that she needs to loosen up and can see the stress level that the overly structured lifestyle brings to her.

Gottman believes that to overcome gridlock we must first understand what the underlying dream is.  In the situation of my friend, her dream was to have a picture perfect life that was filled with organization and structure.  This is what she knew growing up, and is what is always envisioned for her life.  In the case of her husband, he was raised in a home with the disorder and things were done in more of a loose cannon fashion. To him, his childhood was pleasant and he always dreamed that his married life would be the same. He figured that his life would be filled with spontaneity and looseness. Once the underlying dream is recognized, it’s important to respect the dream of the other person. Gottman says “Acknowledging, and respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage.” As both members of the marital union recognize the others dream, the gridlock will make more sense. There will be more of an understanding of each other. Spouses can then turn from being angry and hurt to look for ways to soothe and help their mate. Once this is accomplished, they can then move into the compromise stage that I spoke about in the last blog post.

We can also apply Dr. Gottman's "Magic 6 hours" in order to invite a positive change in our marriage. They are simple:

1. "Parting: before saying goodbyes in the morning, find out one thing which is happening in the partner’s life that day. (2 minutes a day x 5 days=10 min.)
2. Reunions: A hug and kiss that lasts at least six seconds when reuniting at the end of the day, as well as a stress reducing conversation at the end of the day for at least 20 min. (20 min. a day x 5 days=1 hour and 40 min.)
3. Admiration and appreciation: find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation towards your spouse every day. (5 min a day x 7 days=35 minutes.)
4. Affection: kiss, hold, grab and touch each other when together; always embrace before going to sleep to let go of minor irritations of the day. (5 min. a day x 7 days=35 min.)
5. Weekly date: Ask each other questions and turn towards each other. Think of questions to ask your spouse. (2 hours once a week=2 hours). 

Only a short 6 HOURS!

We must also have charity in our marriage.  Charity is what will keep us from becoming gridlocked.  It allows us to look at the irritants of our spouse as only irritants and not allow them to grow into dislike. Marvin J. Ashton explains “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down.” We must accept differences.  When you think about it, we have all come from different backgrounds, have experienced different life experiences, and have different life goals. We are different!  Our job is to take these differences and use them as an opportunity to grow. We must learn how to be charitable to our spouse and accept that they have weaknesses are working to overcome them just as we work to overcome our personal limitations. As we become more understanding of our spouse, the annoyance of differences can be replaced with a greater understanding and love for them.