We bring into our marriage traits, and rules that were learned in our family of origin. Some of these rules were learned explicitly, which means they were expressed verbally to us by our parents. For example, I have a list of family rules posted on the wall in my kitchen.  These are explicit rules.  My children have no doubt what I mean by these rules. Or, as children we may have learned rules implicitly, which means we were taught through non-verbal communication. An example of an implicit rule is when dad earns the paycheck and then turns it over to mom who then pays the bills.  Nothing is verbalized to the children in this act, however they learn quickly that mom is in charge of the money. The spoken, and unspoken rules that are learned in our youth can shape our outlook on situations in our marriage, and can have a large effect on how finances are handled in the home.

For example, if a child grows up in a home where it is implicitly implied that appearance, name brands, and “things” are all very important to one’s image, can cause them to believe that having “things” is important in their marriage.  This could possibly lead to using credit cards and racking up debt because image is highly important and worth the trade-off of going into debt for it. Or you may have a child that was explicitly taught the importance of staying out of debt and paying for everything with cash.  This will also have an effect on how money is managed in their marriage. It is important to understand some of the rules that were taught in our homes, in order to distinguish what will be beneficial to our family life, what can potentially be dangerous, and how our spending or saving habits will be affected.

Money is what makes the world go round.  It can bring peace and security, but it can also bring heartache and stress. One way that money can bring stress is when one over extends their finances and uses credit cards to make up the difference. Several years ago, my husband and I had some great friends that we did nearly everything with.  She was a stay at home mom, and he was starting his own business.  They seemed to have it all.  A big beautiful house with the nicest décor, they were always taking fun trips, their kids had everything they wanted and were always dressed to a tee and their life just looked so carefree and happy. I could never understand how they did it, and I couldn’t help but feel somewhat envious of their situation.  They had what looked like a picture perfect life, and I would catch myself longing to live a similar lifestyle. Their life was this way for many years, until everything came crashing down around them.  Our friends confided in us that they were in huge amounts of debt.  They had been using credit cards, home equity lines of credits, and had extinguished their savings account.  My heart broke for them as they lost their home, filed for bankruptcy, and soon after their marriage fell apart. What had once looked like the ideal situation to me, was soon uncovered to be a façade that wrecked their life.   

I could spend a great deal of time sharing some of the implicit and explicit rules that were taught in their home that contributed to their problem (along with some of their own poor choices) but for the sake of time I will just say that there were learned behaviors in both of their homes that contributed to how they viewed life and money.  The reason I share this story is to warn those that have yet to marry, or have been married and are contemplating using credit cards…don’t do it! It is not worth the grief and anguish that will eventually come.  As members of the church, we have been counseled time and time again to live within our means.  This means that we shouldn’t seek after lavish things, make do with what we have, and also make the best with what we have, save for a rainy day, be full tithe payers, and prepare for a bright future.  Credit card debt can hold one back from living this principle. Prophets have given this council to direct our lives in such a way that we are able to live a full and enjoyable life.  The Lord does not want us to be bogged down with worry and stress. He wants us to thrive and have joy in our journey. If we follow the council that we have been given, make ourselves aware of what we have learned in our youth that will influence our spending and budgeting habits, and work together as spouses, while including the Lord in our financial decisions, we will enjoy the peace and security that money can provide.

         (Family Council Meetings are an important part of leadership and unity in the home.)

Family leadership and unity are important aspects to a solid home and family life. Parents are the leaders in the family. Leadership does not mean ruling the home like a dictator or in a harsh manner, but the parents are responsible to set guidelines and rule in the home, and then enforce them. Parents should not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines, and to say no when it is needed. “As Dr. John Rosemond counseled: “Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N. This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language––‘'No’ . . . Unfortunately, many, if not most, of today’s children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency. They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need” (John Rosemond’s Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children).

This quote really struck me and in fact I posted it on my Facebook page to share with my friends.  The response that I got was very interesting.  There were many that agreed with the quote and responded with comments like “love this”, “two thumbs up”, “this is so true” and then I had a couple comments that were on the complete opposite side of opinion and they voiced their dislike of the quote. One person responded “He makes it sound so mean like you're a bad parent if you don't tell your kids no every day?” and another responded with “Being told no all the time just for the sake of trying not to be over indulging is just going to cause resentment. I don't see anything wrong with spoiling kids as long as it doesn't make them brats.” I really respected the words of my friends, although my personal beliefs on parental leadership in the home differed. Even though he makes the assumption of using no in "daily doses" I think he's applying that to parents that NEVER say no and suffer from over indulged children. I don't have to say no to my children daily, but it is because my husband and I have tried to instill moral and general guidelines in our home. In the beginning, yes I felt like I had to say no more frequently in order to set the standard, but now that the guidelines are understood by my children I very rarely have to give a daily dose of Vitamin N. In fact, I really like to say yes as much as I possibly can.

I feel that we live in a society that has a few things a little backwards. To say no to your child is viewed as being mean. I view it as being caring. I will forever say no to things that will hurt my child or have a negative effect on their future. That's my role as a parent; to teach, guide and love (and sometimes it takes saying no to accomplish these things). I do believe that children need to have autonomy and learn to make their own choice and decisions, but that should also come in small doses as well, and should be given age appropriately. I see kids carrying around a $500.00+ cell phone at age 7. Not only is that a huge expense for an irresponsible child to now have to be responsible for before they're ready, but it can also be very dangerous to the child if it's not monitored. I often wonder if it's because a parent can't say no to the peer pressure of giving their child a phone because "everyone else has one." (Just fyi, this is my personal opinion and not meant to sound critical of others that chose to allow their child technology).

 I worry for parents that are fearful of saying no to their child. I think that they believe they are helping to show their child love, but in reality they are setting them up for failure, and heartache by allowing them to become too spoiled, and self-centered. Our ultimate goal is to be unified and bonded as a family.  If we want to accomplish this, it begins with strong parental leadership it the home.  Parents are not going to feel unified with their children if their children are out of control, and children aren’t going to feel very close to their parents if they don’t have the clarity of what is expected. We need the companionship of the Holy Ghost in our lives and homes in order to obtain unity. Elder Eyring said “Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony. The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Ne. 11:29). It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people, which lead to strife. It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls. A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls.” A unified home that is entrusted with strong parental leadership can influence the world. It will produce strong families and relationships.

Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families. (2008, March 28). Lecture, Provo.

That We May Be One - Henry B. Eyring. (n.d.). Retrieved December 2, 2015, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng

Complete fidelity is more than abstaining from any sexual relationship outside of marriage. Often times the path to infidelity begins when an emotional connection is made with someone other than your spouse. The adversary is a master at deception. He can make a flirtation, fantasy about someone other than a spouse, the use of pornography, or simple lunch “dates” with the opposite sex look as if they are harmless. He portrays these things as attractive, simple, and plants the thought in a person’s mind that they are still being faithful to their spouse even if they participate in these examples. These actions are not classified as being faithful in a marriage; they are classified as emotional infidelity. This type of infidelity can “weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind (Matheson 2009).” Any emotional feelings or thoughts about another person other than a spouse is not okay. The process doesn’t happen quickly. It usually spans over a space of time as the parties become more and more attached to each other.  They begin to notice traits in their “friend” that their spouse doesn’t posse and because the relationship is classified as a friendship they don’t believe they are doing any harm.

We must guard ourselves from thinking that having a friendship with someone of the opposite is okay, or that fantasizing about someone else is acceptable because we are not acting upon anything. Dr. Goddard uses the example of Joseph and Potiphar’s wife as a model of how we should react when temptations with the opposite sex arise. Potiphar’s wife seduced Joseph.  She didn’t only try this one time, but rather she tried on several different occasions.  The situation reached a head when Joseph went to the house and unknowingly found that no one else was there except Potiphar’s wife. She grabbed onto his garment and asked him to lie with her. Not only did Joseph reject her advances, he also fled the situation immediately. (Gen. 39:7-12). Potiphar’s wife had developed an emotional connection to Joseph.  She had set her sights on him, and was willing to do whatever it took to have him, however Joseph was valiant and fervent in his will to the Lord.  He never stepped into the traps or snares that were set for him.  We are counseled to be this same way in our relationships.

The Lord has commanded us to give our full heart to our spouse (see D&C 42:22). This command does not leave any gray area or room for sharing. Goddard said “When the Lord says all they heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving…The word none else eliminates everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.” We cannot be willing to share our hearts, thoughts, or time with a member of the opposite sex. This opens us up to temptation and also takes away from the relationship with our spouse. President Benson shared his thoughts on what giving your whole heart to your spouse means. “What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion.”

If you have found yourself on the path of emotional infidelity, turn around. Forsake the actions, end the relationship and seek out your bishop’s help to begin the steps of repentance. Look to the Savior for help.  He has the power to heal, and can assist you in breaking the addiction. Kenneth Matheson, a professor at BYU in Social Work gave this advice for those that are in search of a different way “The Savior’s Atonement not only has the power to cleanse us, but also to change and purify our hearts (see Mosiah 4:2; 5:2). As we seek heaven’s help, we can regain and maintain spiritual fidelity. God can give people the power to confess, connect, and change.” I know that there are blessings provided to us as we seek out the Savior.  He can make the impossible, possible, can soften hearts, and provide forgiveness when we have done wrong.

Gridlock can take a happy relationship from joyful to miserable. What exactly is gridlock? Gridlock is an underlying problem in marriage that continues to come up as an issue. It can cause a lot of grief, and hurt feelings and as I previously mentioned it can also make marriage miserable. Oftentimes gridlock leads to divorce, however Dr. Gottman offers some advice on how to work through these problems.  He states "gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren't being addressed or respected by each other." We want to be heard, and understood.  We are emotional beings that have feelings, thoughts, and desires for our life. This is part of our human nature. When we feel that our deep seeded dreams are not being met in our relationship, we can become angry, hurt and gridlocked. The first step in overcoming this is to understand what feeling, or what the reason is behind our dream. For example, I have a friend that is controlling. She is organized and structured to a tee, and runs her life (and family) like a group of seaman on a Navy ship. This drives her husband crazy and has been a large source of conflict in their marriage. He feels bossed around and like he is a visitor in his own life due to the fact that he isn't allowed to make many decisions without a fight. She feels that he is disrespectful of her feelings when he won’t fall in line.  She also feels that being orderly and structured is what works best for her life and the life of her kids. They are gridlocked on this issue. As an outsider looking in, I can see that they both have good intentions.  She is trying to do what she has always known. Her mother was the same way, and was actually much harder on her as a child. She feels that she’s toned it down, and her family benefits from this.  He feels that she needs to loosen up and can see the stress level that the overly structured lifestyle brings to her.

Gottman believes that to overcome gridlock we must first understand what the underlying dream is.  In the situation of my friend, her dream was to have a picture perfect life that was filled with organization and structure.  This is what she knew growing up, and is what is always envisioned for her life.  In the case of her husband, he was raised in a home with the disorder and things were done in more of a loose cannon fashion. To him, his childhood was pleasant and he always dreamed that his married life would be the same. He figured that his life would be filled with spontaneity and looseness. Once the underlying dream is recognized, it’s important to respect the dream of the other person. Gottman says “Acknowledging, and respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage.” As both members of the marital union recognize the others dream, the gridlock will make more sense. There will be more of an understanding of each other. Spouses can then turn from being angry and hurt to look for ways to soothe and help their mate. Once this is accomplished, they can then move into the compromise stage that I spoke about in the last blog post.

We can also apply Dr. Gottman's "Magic 6 hours" in order to invite a positive change in our marriage. They are simple:

1. "Parting: before saying goodbyes in the morning, find out one thing which is happening in the partner’s life that day. (2 minutes a day x 5 days=10 min.)
2. Reunions: A hug and kiss that lasts at least six seconds when reuniting at the end of the day, as well as a stress reducing conversation at the end of the day for at least 20 min. (20 min. a day x 5 days=1 hour and 40 min.)
3. Admiration and appreciation: find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation towards your spouse every day. (5 min a day x 7 days=35 minutes.)
4. Affection: kiss, hold, grab and touch each other when together; always embrace before going to sleep to let go of minor irritations of the day. (5 min. a day x 7 days=35 min.)
5. Weekly date: Ask each other questions and turn towards each other. Think of questions to ask your spouse. (2 hours once a week=2 hours). 

Only a short 6 HOURS!

We must also have charity in our marriage.  Charity is what will keep us from becoming gridlocked.  It allows us to look at the irritants of our spouse as only irritants and not allow them to grow into dislike. Marvin J. Ashton explains “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down.” We must accept differences.  When you think about it, we have all come from different backgrounds, have experienced different life experiences, and have different life goals. We are different!  Our job is to take these differences and use them as an opportunity to grow. We must learn how to be charitable to our spouse and accept that they have weaknesses are working to overcome them just as we work to overcome our personal limitations. As we become more understanding of our spouse, the annoyance of differences can be replaced with a greater understanding and love for them.

We know that part of our mortal life includes opposition.  We cannot know and appreciate the good in life without understanding what conflict and heartache feels like. Even in the best of marriages, conflict will inevitably surface. Dr. Gottman describes two types of conflict: perpetual and solvable. He believes that most of the conflict in marriage boils down to a perpetual issue or one that will continue to resurface unless it is resolved.  Gottman explains “I have found that unrequited dreams are at the core of every gridlocked conflict. In other words, the endless argument symbolizes some profound difference between you that needs to be addressed before you can put the problem in its place.” Simply put, usually there is an underlying feeling, emotion or issue at the core of the perpetual conflict. Do you suffer from a gridlock issue in your marriage?  Look over Gottman’s list of gridlock signs:

1. The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
2. You keep talking about it, but make no headway.
3. You become entrenched in your position and are unwilling to budge.
4. When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated or hurt.
5. Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection.
6. You become even more unbudgeable over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these conversations.
7. This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your position and polarized, more extreme in your views, and all the less willing to compromise.
8. Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally.

Dealing with a perpetual issue in your marriage can feel pretty daunting. In fact, there may be times that you have even thought that your marriage might not survive if you or your partner don’t change their way of thinking, however, Gottman explains that “you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.”  Yes, you read that right! You can still have a thriving marriage even with a major issue in your relationship. So there is hope for those deep rooted issues and I will discuss this more fully in my next blog post. However, for this post I’d like to focus on solvable conflict.

First, have you ever had someone try to give you advice, but you felt that they were judging you or talking down to you?  It makes it very difficult to listen and accept when we feel misunderstood.  This same principle applies to our relationships.  Gottman says “The bottom-line rule is that before you ask your partner to change the way he or she drives, eats, or makes love, you must make your partner feel that you understand. If either (or both) of you feel judged, misunderstood, or rejected by the other, you will not be able to manage the problems in your marriage. This holds for big problems and small ones.” Our human nature is to dig in our heels if we feel criticized or misunderstood so the natural antidote to that would to be to do the opposite. We must make sure that our spouse feels loved, understood and as if we are not criticizing their behavior.

Once we understand that first principle, we can focus on our startups. For example, if I want my husband to take out the trash, I know I’m not going to get very far if I say “Tommy, I need to, you take out the trash right now!”  “It’s overflowing and I’m really annoyed!” Having been married to him for 17 years I know that he is immediately going to be on the defense and will most likely dig in his heals and make me wait.  Instead, I can kindly come to him and ask for his help in taking out the trash with a sweeter, and more understanding tone and startup.  Using an “I” statement is very helpful, such as I feel…. or I want…or I would….

Next, we must learn the value of, and how to use repair attempts. Gottman describes repair attempts as a way to put on the brakes to an argument. It’s okay in the heat of an argument to tell our spouse “I am wrong,” “I want to be gentler to you right now, and I don’t know how”, “you’re starting to convince me” or even state “this is a repair attempt.” All of these statements defuse the argument and allow your spouse to see that you want to work through the problem and not continue to bicker.

Gottman also suggests that you Soothe yourself by leaving the situation for a minute if you need (note: men taking longer to calm down once they are upset than women), use compromise by writing down the problem and then come up with areas within that problem that you are and are not willing to compromise on.  Have your spouse do the same exercise and then compare your notes and then figure out how you can each compromise and give up the things that aren’t as important to you. Lastly, we must be tolerant of each other’s faults. “Conflict resolution is not about one person changing, its’ about negotiation, finding, common ground and ways that you can accommodate each other.” Flaws in our partner are normal. Everyone has them but our job as a spouse is to be accepting of each other. We must focus less on how we can change our spouse and his/her weakness and more on the things that we love and appreciate about them.

As we study the Book of Mormon, there is a common cycle that can be found throughout the book. The people will experience a period of happiness, peace and fulfillment. This happiness stems from following God and living a Christ centered life.  Life seems to be going great and then prides gets in the way.  Instead of leaning on the understanding of the Lord, they harden their hearts and believe that they know what is best.  The flourishing era that they have experienced is no longer attributed to the good hand of the Lord. Instead, it is replaced with feelings of "I did this myself" and "because of my wonderful actions, I have created this great life." Hearts become puffed up, care and natural affection are lost, and most of the time the choices that soon follow draw the person away from following the council of the Lord. In some cases, this lifestyle has been followed for many years before the repercussions surface, but as we have been taught for every choice, there is a consequence. The consequence we most often see in the Book of Mormon, when pride has become the way of life, is through drought, famine, wars, unrighteous dominion and suffering. Usually the people get it together enough to realize the error of their ways, and decide that they need the Lord again in their life.  They ask for forgiveness, humble themselves, and turn their hearts to the Lord once again.  And then the cycle starts over.

 I use this example because I wonder if you have ever seen this pattern in your marriage.  When we first get married, life seems blissful right?  We're madly in love and want to do everything right by our spouse, until we have that first argument. We decide that being right is more important than hearing what our spouse has to say, or we're just going to ignore them until some sense comes back to them.  Or maybe you’re the type that only thinks about your own needs, tries to manipulate, or holds a grudge even when an apology has been rendered. These actions pull us away from our spouse, and instead of enjoying the blissful marriage that was once felt, we have now fallen victim to pride.  If cycle is not abandoned, a marriage will suffer, personal confidence will weaken, and a relationship with the Lord will surely be affected.  Acting in this manner is not God’s will for us. He doesn’t want us to pit ourselves against our spouse.  He expects us to bind together with our spouse, and become one, not work against each other.  President Benson gives this definition of pride “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” He goes on to say that this “is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.” By behaving this way, we have forced the Lord out of our relationship, and have invited the adversary in instead. A marriage cannot flourish under these circumstances.

Brother Goddard explains that as natural men (or women) we are “inclined to love self and fix others.”  In other words, we can be selfish by nature and view others as the flawed individual in need of the “fixing”. Goddard goes on to explain that Heavenly Father asks us to do the opposite. “We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love them.” This is how we can break the cycle.  We must constantly be mindful of our actions and how they affect others.  We must be very aware of pride and the toll it can take on our lives. Brother Goddard believes that the only cure to the sin of pride and self-centeredness is to “turn to God in faith and repentance.”I know that as we look for ways to fix ourselves and focus less on how to fix our spouse, and as we make repentance our second companion, we will experience the “madly in love feelings” throughout our entire marriage.  As we look to put off pride and invite the Lord into our lives and marriages, we will save ourselves from a great deal of grief and pain. Marriage can be blissful, but it requires our full effort and the hand of the Lord. We must seek to be as Alma when he said “Blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble” (Alma 32:16). I believe the blessings of being humble will most readily be seen through the strength of our marriage.

Selfishness is a sure way to rob a marriage of happiness. When my husband and I were first married, I can remember looking for him to make me happy. If he didn't take out the trash when I felt that it should be taken out, I felt frustrated with him.  If he left his clothes on the bathroom floor after a shower, I was bothered and before long I found that the small and unimportant things in life were plaguing my marriage, and effecting my feelings towards my husband. If allowed the irritations of life can become much more than a just a bother. As Goddard describes they can "transform into evils" and "with time we come to think of our partners as disappointments or failures." The root of this behavior is selfishness.  We become so focused on our own needs and forget about what our spouse might need, or we allow small irritations to dictate our feelings. This type of behavior makes it difficult for a marriage to thrive. President Hinckley gave some great council on the dangers of selfishness.  He said "I find selfishness to be the root cause of most of the problems that lead to broken homes. I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion...There is a remedy for all of this. It is not found in divorce. It is found in the gospel of the Son of God. It is in repentance. It is not in separation. It is in simple integrity that leads a man to square up his shoulders and meet his obligations. It is found in the Golden Rule." If we recall and apply the golden rule to our marriage it would mean that we do all the things for our spouse, that we would love for them to do for us. We look to turn toward our spouse and put our focus on them.

 

This is exactly what changed my situation early in my marriage.  As I stated, I found that the little irritations were no longer little, they were starting to consume my thoughts.  I began to harbor ill feelings against my husband and I knew that I had to change my attitude or my marriage would not be pleasant.  I decided that I would serve my husband and do my best to not put such an emphasis on what my husband wasn't doing, but rather I'd try to focus more on what he was doing. I started to realize that he was learning how to be a good spouse to me too, and in order to obtain the highest level of happiness with one another, it would require a lot of patience from both of us. I began to notice that he would rise early and study his scriptures and I really appreciated this example, since this was not a strength of mine.  I appreciated that he went to work every day, would always give me a warm greeting as he returned, and would fulfill his calling at church.  I realized that we were both imperfect beings, trying our best and that was all that mattered.  With time, some of those annoyances went away.  I can report that he is still terrible at leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor, however, I have accepted that this flaw comes in the same package as all of his strengths and I'm okay with it. Goddard gave some great advice on how we can find less fault with our spouses.  He said that we should ask "I wonder why he feels or acts that way?" "I wonder why that is important to her? Rather than judging our partners, we can seek to understand them." 

 

One of my favorite reads this week was the story from a BYU-Idaho student and his decision to turn to his wife more fully.  He felt selfish with his independence.  He didn't want to give up his personal time to assist his wife with some of her necessary tasks.  He decided that he would try to turn towards his wife, and do the things that were important to her, important to him. This is a snippet of the selfish behavior that he was trying to overcome "I started my own personal experiment by looking for ways I could turn towards my wife in different situations. This helped me realize a major problem I had. I professed my love to her in marriage over thealtar, and yet daily I was not communicating that love to her. Each time she would ask me to go dosomething that needed to be done, like grocery shopping, cleaning the house, taking laundry to thelaundromat, etc., I would look for a reason to not do those things. This was not because I didn’t wanttobe with her, but because I didn’t want to do those things. In denying our marriage this special time together, even for little errands that I didn’t want to necessarily do, I was denying the very thing that I now feel keeps a marriage together." Through his efforts, this husband was able to secretly make his marriage better.  He gave his wife one of the most valuable gifts; his time.  If his wife was going to the store, he'd go along. Before he'd attend to his schoolwork, he made sure to ask her about her day and spend time talking to her.  The difference that he saw in his marriage was profound.  He discovered that his wife was much more willing to allow him time with his friends, and she was very appreciate of his help and would often verbalize this. 

 

We can each choose the antidote to selfishness which is to forget about what our own needs are, and focus more on turning towards our spouse.  This choice is what will allow our marriage to flourish, will heal irritations and grievances, and will ultimately draw us closer to our spouse.  

In a world that runs rampant with the idea that divorce is an easy out, and something that you seek for when you are "no longer happy" these words spoken by Wallace Goddard, a marriage and family counselor, brought a breath of fresh air to me "Relationships that cannot be salvaged are rare." This statement brings light to even the darkest of relationships.  Even during the tough times, when you and I may think that our marriage is too difficult and not worth saving, or when marital problems seem too big to overcome, let these words settle in your mind: "Relationships that cannot be salvaged are rare." As humans and imperfect beings, we are all flawed. I love my husband dearly, but there are times that things that he does drive me crazy.  For example, when he takes a shower and constantly leaves his pile of dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, and his soaking wet towel at the foot of our bed.  I can say that there are days that this bugs me more than others, but to be fair, I'm sure there are things that get under his skin that I do. How do we overcome this desire to criticize or point out our spouse's flaws?

 

I believe that we must become aware of what our frustrations are doing to our marriages. Goddard said "We judge our companion as flawed and inferior. Over time this subtle discontent grows into a cancerous assurance that our partner is fatally flawed. With time we can easily convince ourselves that the marriage was a mistake." The small annoyances from our spouse, that we let get under our skin may seem small in the beginning, but if they are left unbridled they can turn into a festering wound.  We must be careful and chose to focus less on our spouse's flaws and more on their strengths.  We all want to be seen on our best days and under the best circumstances, so why not afford this same blessing to our spouse? If this is a struggle in your marriage, you can turn to Heavenly Father for help, through humble prayer. He can help you learn how to sacrifice selfish desires in exchange for Christlike desires. Goddard also gave some great advice on how to overcome this. He said "As we enter our homes, we can pause to beseech God to grant us grace, goodness, mercy, compassion, and patience. We can ask the Father to help us see our partners and his or her struggles with the loving-kindness with which He views them. In so doing, we place our time, our minds and our hearts on the altar. That is the ultimate offering, the required sacrifice. Making this sacrifice is the heart and soul of the required obedience." I know that difficulties in marriage will come, but as we chose to sacrifice and are obedient, we can find that our marriage is the strength of our life. 

H. Wallace Goddard said oftentimes "We tend to excuse our own failures while condemning others for theirs." We know that part of our mortal experience here on Earth, is to overcome our weakness's.  Each and every one of us have been given limitations, and these obstacles are what the Lord uses to help us grow. In our relationships with friends, neighbors, colleagues and family members, often times it is much easier to look past their shortcomings and limitations, however, when it comes to a marriage relationship, we may tend to be much more critical of our spouse. As Goddard explains, when we live this way, we are living a "Telestial law." "We act primarily to meet our own needs with disregard for others, and our automatic response in family life usually operates at this level." Living this lower law would make it difficult for any marriage to survive.  A strong marriage must center upon looking past each other's weakness's and focusing more tightly upon the positive strengths that a partner has. The Savior is the key to making this happen, and without including him in our marriages, we will fall short of living the celestial law that a temple endowed couple desires. Goddard said the Savior "comes humbly to our broken-down hope and offers to carry us to spiritual healing. We may not realize that all our problems are ultimately spiritual--and that Jesus is the great Healer. He heals every malady." When we place the Savior as our marital foundation, we are more likely to look past faults, and only then can we reap the beautiful blessing of a strong marriage.

 

Besides looking too closely at our spouse's weaknesses, there are also some other mistakes that we can make, that will rob us of a healthy relationship. Gottman calls these "the four horsemen." Before Gottman talks about each of the "horsemen" he addresses what he calls a "harsh startup".  His definition of this, is when a conversation starts off with "criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt." Based on his research, if a conversation begins this way, it will "inevitably end on a negative note." This tells me that we must be careful in how we begin our conversations with our spouse. If we use a "harsh startup" the conversation is set to fail. Next, Gottman discusses his "four horseman."  The first is using criticism in conversation.  An example of this would be blaming your spouse for something that he/she did and it can also be classified as an attack on their character. A criticism is different than a complaint that a complaint addresses the situation as a whole and a criticism turns it into a personal attack. An example of a criticism would be"I feel really frustrated when I ask for the trash to be taken out, and it doesn't get done." In contrast, a criticism in this same situation would be " I get really tired of asking you over and over again to take out the trash. Why can't you ever do anything that's asked of you?" 

 

The second horseman is contempt. A few examples of this behavior, according to Gottman are "name calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor." Gottman believes that this is the worst of the four horsemen and it is sure to wreck a marriage if it's not rectified. Contempt stems from underlying feelings of bitterness and negativity about your spouse and usually it leads to"more conflict rather than to reconciliation" (Gottman, 1999). The third horseman is defensiveness. Defensiveness can be a natural reaction when one feels like they are being attacked, however, this is not the proper way to deal with conflict. In most cases, defensiveness will heighten an argument instead of leading it to a resolution. The final horseman is stonewalling.  Stonewalling usually takes place after years of dealing with contempt, criticism, and/or defensiveness.  One spouse decides that enough is enough and tunes out the other partner. This leads to an unproductive conversation, and a distance between partners. As we identify these habits and behaviors in our own marriages, we will be able to pull away from negativity, spite and improper focus on flaws. Our conversations will become more meaningful, we'll be able to resolve conflicts, and we will also be able to see our spouses as Christ see's them.  

I remember clearly the day, 17 years ago, when my husband and I were sealed together for time and all eternity. It was the fourth day of April, on a crisp spring morning, at the Mt. Timpanogos temple in American Fork, Utah. My heart was filled with joy and excitement as I thought about the sealing bond that would take place between my husband and I that day, and the special covenants that we would make to each other.  Amongst all the joy that I felt, there was also a small amount of sadness because with the exception of my grandparents, the rest of my family was not able to enter the temple that day. My mother and I had had many conversations about this day, and about how she felt hurt, angry, and sad that she would not be present at my wedding.  I shared in her sadness, but explained to her the deep meaning that the temple had in my life.  I explained that the union I was about to enter into with my husband, was more than just an earthly bond, but rather was as Elder Hafen refers "a covenant marriage".  I had moments of weakness where I felt that what I was doing was selfish, and that maybe we should be married civilly and sealed later. As I prayed about what to do, I knew without any doubt that I should be married in the temple.

 For those not active or baptized in our faith, I think it's terribly difficult to understand what the meaning of the temple is. Why would I choose to marry somewhere that my parents and family could not attend? And what is it about this place that makes it so special? Sure, it's beautiful on the outside and well maintained, but is that enough? Although the temple architecture and grounds are a place of beauty, this is not enough.  In my mind, the temple has always been one of the most beautiful places to me, but what makes it most special are the ordinances that take place inside. I chose to be married in the temple because I knew that I wanted to be with my husband far beyond the end of this mortal life. I wanted to be with him, and my children forever and ever and I knew that the only place on Earth that could make this a possibility was in the house of the Lord.

 The temple is a place where we make a two way promise or a covenant with our Heavenly Father.  Elder Bruce Hafen explained the importance of marital covenants this way: "Marriage is a covenant, not a contract. Parties in a contractual arrangement often walk away when problems arise. “But when troubles come to a covenant marriage the husband and wife work them through. (1)" I knew that if I married outside of the temple, it would be much easier for me, or my spouse to call it quits at the first sign of trouble.  Another promise I looked forward to as I married in the temple, was that my promise to my husband would include God, and without him I wasn't sure that we'd be able to make it through the marital trials of life.  My husband and I have experienced many highs and lows in our marriage but in every low and with the help of the Lord, the lows have rebounded and made our marriage stronger. In some of those lows, I wondered if our marriage would survive.   I wasn’t sure that we would be able to withstand the struggles and trials that were staring us in the face, but I was always comforted with the knowledge that our sealing bond was stronger than the desire to jump ship at the sight of trouble.  I recognized that I had covenanted with my Heavenly Father, husband, and children that I would make this bond last for an eternity.

  I also knew that the covenants that I made would require me to live a higher law.  I was promising to follow and be obedient to my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ.  I had to push myself to do better, and to keep the commandments at all times. As we do this, Elder Haven explains we will “discover hidden reservoirs of strength and deep, internal wellsprings of compassion. These blessings will strengthen you during difficult and troubled times. (1)" I know that these reservoirs of strength have come to me in times of need because of my temple marriage, and with the assistance of the Lord.  As I live worthy, attend the temple, and hold my covenants dear to my heart, my marriage becomes the focal point, and strength of my life.  As I reflect upon that decision made many years ago, I become ever more grateful that I was sealed in the house of the Lord for time and all eternity.

Reference:

1-Hafen, B. (1996, November 26). Covenant Marriage. Ensign.

Being pro-marriage and supporting the definition of marriage as only between a man and a woman does not mean that the person holding these views is intolerant, heartless, or a hater of the gay and lesbian community. There has been much talk about this issue with the recent ruling brought down by the Supreme Court. After the courts made the ruling, social media, television reports, political talk shows and radio broadcasts were inundated with hate filled messages towards those that view marriage as only between a man and a woman.  I find it disappointing that because I am pro-marriage, it means that I dislike people.  This couldn’t be further from the truth, and I’d like to explain the driving force behind my personal thoughts and views on marriage.

 I hold marriage as a sacred gift that has been given to us by our creator above. God created man on the Earth and provided for him a woman. Together, they were commanded to have children.  I believe that part of our purpose here on Earth centers around our families.  The majority of my learning and growth has come from being raised by parents, and through being a parent myself.  Life is about growing, progressing and becoming better and a child needs the strength and guidance that can only come from the union between a man and a woman.  Each sex has been given strengths and talents that can influence, and together they provide the foundation for a strong home and family life.  In my opinion, a child will not be well rounded without the guidance of both a male and female. I grew up without a present father in the home.  I have experienced some suffering because of this and I missed out on what it felt like to have a protective male figure that provided for the family. I also needed the balance between a mother’s nurturing ways and a father’s more stern and focused guidance.  

 Marriage between a man and a woman is an ancient union and has been around for many thousands of years.  This has been our way of life, and to think that a change in this union is going to be an easy undertaking and easily accepted is just not true. I would never expect someone that holds a personal belief close to them to abandon it. Oftentimes our beliefs are so closely intertwined with our soul that it is impossible to separate the two and, I believe that is the case with those that hold marriage as between a man and a woman only. The beliefs and values associated with marriage have been held near to our core and up to this point have completely shaped our society.  Marriage has also been a civil right afforded to us, so to redefine marriage feels like an infringement upon a right as a citizen. Society also needs strong family units that are free from social ills. Social issues such as “divorce, cohabitation, non-marital childbearing, pornography, the erosion of fidelity in marriage, abortion, the strains of unemployment and poverty contribute to the weakening of the family.” The union of a gay couple will further weaken the family unit and will provide a negative impact on families.

My words are not meant to hurt, or classify me in the same category as haters and heartless Christians. I love my fellow men.  Let me say again that I love my fellow men regardless of their sexual orientation. Differences do not have to destroy our society.  In fact, it is oftentimes through differences that balance is provided. My thoughts are summed up on this issue through the words of Elder Russell M. Nelson “Proclaim your love for all human beings “with malice toward none, with charity for all. They as children of God are our brothers and sister. We value their rights and feelings. But we cannot condone efforts to change divine doctrine. It is not for man to change.” 

I love the wise words given by Elder Oaks "I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatible, but selfishness."  My parents divorced when I was twelve. They were not active in church and didn't live gospel standards.  Now that I'm older, I can clearly see the issues that contributed to their demise. Had both parties been able to repent of their shortcomings, their marriage could have been saved. To this day, my dad is still in love with my mom. It's a sad thing to see that the love was there, but the willingness to overcome was not. Selfishness is also a large contributor to divorce. We live in a society that puts self first. I think it's important to teach our youth the importance of being unselfish.  Not only is being unselfish a more pure way to live, it is also a key factor in a happy and strong marriages. I can think back to when I was first married, 17 years ago,and can fully admit that I was selfish. I had never had to think very far beyond what my own wants and needs were, and now suddenly I had someone else's feelings to take into consideration.  It was a learning process for both my husband and I, and I think if we would not have overcome our selfishness, our marriage would have fallen flat.  

 

Coming from a broken home, I could relate to many of the effects that divorce has on children as discussed in the article written by Amato. As a youth, I suffered from a low self esteem and I believe that my parent's divorce contributed to this. I didn't feel secure in my home life.  After my parents divorced, my mom was left a single mother with four young children to support. Although she did the best that she could, given the situation, we experienced some suffering as children. Most days we came home to an empty house without someone there to guide and direct the home.  Being the oldest child, a lot of the responsibility landed upon my head, and fighting and discord were very common in our house. We also struggled financially as my mother tried her best to replace what was once a two income household, with one. On the flip side of the situation, divorce is not the end.  I would not classify my childhood as terrible, or undesirable. I was able to learn many great and beneficial lessons, that I've been able to teach my children and have used to better myself. Amato said "Regardless of family structure, the quality of parenting is one of the best predictors of children's emotional and social well-being." I loved this thought!  This is why my parent's divorce did not wreck me.  They loved me and it showed through their parenting. My family structure was not ideal, but the love that I felt through how my parents parented me, provided me with the "emotional and social well being" that I needed. 

 

A favorite quote I wanted to share.