There have been times in my marriage when I've toyed with
the idea of what marriage will be like later in my life. I often seem to romanticize
this period of life as I think about how great it will be when there isn't a child’s
nose to wipe, plenty of free time, and vacation time with my husband. Although
I don't think this way while I'm lost in my daydream, marriage in the later
years of life will still carry trials and hard times. Some will struggle with
the empty nest stage where the once bustling house is now empty and quiet,
others will realize that their marriage isn't as strong as they thought it was
as they try to adjust to the new life of retirement. Some will grieve as they
watch children pass away to soon, experience financial hardships, or find
themselves caring for ailing parents. While there are blessing to be had in
every season in life, there are also the times of struggle. I feel that it's
important to understand the challenges that lie ahead, so that we can better
prepare ourselves for this stage in life. President Benson gave some great
advice on how to overcome the feelings of uselessness that some aging individuals
might feel. He said "The key to overcoming aloneness and a feeling of uselessness
for one who is physically able is to step outside yourself by helping others
who are truly needy. We promise those who will render this kind of service
that, in some measure, you will be healed of the loss of loved ones or the
dread of being alone. The way to feel better about your own situation is to
improve someone else's circumstances (Hawkins, 2012, p. 93). What a great piece
of advice to know and understand before reaching the stage of actually needing
it. When we are feeling alone or dire about our circumstances, we must seek to
help another, and lose our selves in the service of another person’s life.
In regards to attachment theory, research has shown that
"there is an innate, motivating force hardwired in the brain that compels
all humans, at all points in the life cycle, to seek contact and connection to
others. When securely and safely connected to others, both men and woman are
more confident, are healthier physically, mentally and emotionally, and are
able to more effectively cope with life's stresses and challenges (Hawkins,
20112, p. 89). What a blessing having a
strong relationship can be. Not only do we feel better about our life and
situation, we are also proven to be healthier, and better equipped to take on life’s
challenges. While there are trials in every period in our life, the blessing of
having a strong marriage later in life are nearly irreplaceable. The later
years provide a couple with more resolve, a great deal of wisdom, and an
example of perseverance to be left with their children and grandchildren. These
years truly can be the dream that I spoke of earlier in my post, if we recognize
that there will be challenges, lose ourselves in service, and recognize the
blessings that come from age and experience.
Grief is the response that we have when we suffer loss in
life. Each person experiences grief in a different way. Some may feel
depressed, sad, hurt, and anxious, have denial, feel dumb, want to disconnect
from others. These are just a few ways that people deal with grief, and it's
important to understand that it is okay to mourn. In the article "Coping
with Grief in Perinatal Loss" advice was offered when the author stated
"At this stage of your life, it is important that you allow yourself to
mourn. Take as much time as you need. Let it happen in your own way and on your
own timeline. One of the most helpful things you can have at this time is a
strong network of support. Try to reach out to friends and family. Talk to them
about your feelings. Do not be afraid to ask them for help if you need it. Keep
in mind that others may not understand the magnitude of this loss. Consider
explaining the significance of the loss to those around you. Communicating with
them can help them sympathize and become better able to support you in the way
that you need to be supported" (Johnson). I think this is powerful and
useful advice. People mourn differently and at different times. What may be
difficult to one in the beginning may not bother someone else until further down
the road. I think as we support others through this trial, it's important to be
a good support and recognize that mourning a loss may look different than how
you would deal with it.
In the article "The Healing Power of Grief"
licensed clinical social worker Steven Eastmond talks about a few principles
that can help those that are struggling with grief. Whether we are experiencing
it ourselves, or a person close to us, this information is helpful. First, Mr.
Eastmond says that even though grief is painful, we must not keep ourselves
from feeling it. The pain of a loss is a normal emotion to feel while in the
grieving process. He also states that " Grieving is not a brief process.
Be patient with it and give it time. As with a physical wound, the pain of losing
a loved one requires time to heal"( Eastmond, 2014). Next it is important
to understand that feeling grief does not mean that we are lacking in our
faith. Going through the emotions of loss are difficult, and a normal part of
life. By allowing self to feel this hurt, does not mean that we are lacking in
faith in our Heavenly Father. Next, Eastmond explains that experiencing grief
is the price that we must pay for loving someone. He said "I have learned
that grief is the price we pay for loving someone—and that the price is worth
it. None of the people I have worked with said they would give up the love they
had for a family member in order to avoid the grief that came from losing that
family member. When loved ones pass from this side of the veil to the other,
they continue to be just as important to us as when they were with us. Because
we love them, we can’t really expect to completely “get over” losing them"
(Stevenson, 2014).
I lost a baby due to a miscarriage in between my first and
second child. I was heartbroken, and can remember feeling very depressed for a
time. I felt nervous about conceiving again, because I didn't want to go
through the pain of loss again. After I had my third child, I was told by many
doctors that I should not have any more children due to some complications that
I had with my first pregnancy. Although this was not a direct loss of life, I
still felt a huge loss in my heart. I had planned to have more children, and
the fact that the choice was taken from me was hard to deal with. While these
times in my life were very difficult, they also offered a blessing of gratitude
to me. I often feel so grateful for the children that I have and for fact that
I was able to get them here safely. My relationships with them are of great
importance to me, and I appreciate the gift of motherhood. I know that I would
love them no matter what, but having a clearer vision of what it means to have
them here with me, makes me grateful for these blessings.
Loss can also be a time when we turn to our Savior for
comfort and help. He knows our pain, he understands our struggle, and he shares
in our grief. As we recognize this, our hearts can be filled with peace. It
will not come overnight, and sometimes will be more difficult than others, but
the Savior can offer the light of a new day that offers comfort, happy times,
and peace in our soul.
Eastmond, S. (n.d.). The Healing Power of Grief - Ensign Jan. 2014 - ensign. Retrieved April 03, 2016, from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/01/the-healing-power-of-grief?lang=eng
Wholesome family recreation is an important part of family unity and bonding. In my experience, children want nothing more than time and love. When we give our time to our children, it requires us to be fully engaged and listening to what they're saying. Our world is fast paced and busy, and it's not always easy to break away from this in order to pay attention to our children. That is why it is so important that we use our free time wisely, and in doing activities that will give our children our time and build solid relationships. In the book Successful Marriages and families it says "free time should be used wisely to create the best possible life, to promote individual growth and strengthen families" (Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, p. 225). This quote gives purpose to why we should strive for good family activities; they allow us to create a wonderful life, strengthen our familes and help us grow. Fun doesn't always have to come packaged as family vacations, trips to Disneyland, and other activities that cost large amounts of money. Some of my most fond memories as a child came from doing the small things in life with my family. I can remember doing a lot of work at my grandparents house, but it never felt like work because it was so fun! We would help grandpa in the yard pruning his trees, mowing the lawn, and weeding the garden. In turn, he'd allow us to take rides in the wheel barrow filled with grass clippings, climb ladders to reach the high branches that needed clipping, and eat fresh sugar peas from his garden. I looked forward to the quality time that I spent with my grandparents, and to this day, these are some of my most fond memories from childhood. Sure I remember the family vacations, and trips to the local amusement park, but they don't compare to the fun we had at grandma and grandpas house.
I think sometimes we become so caught up in life that we forget to do the little things that can bring happiness or, we feel discouraged if our life doesn't always feel joyful. Experiencing emotions in life besides just joy and fun can help strengthen families as well. Again from the Successful Marriages and Families book it states "The true meaning of being alive is not just to feel happy, but to experience the full range of human emotions" (Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, p. 227). I can remember particpating in wholesome recreation with my family as my parents were going through a divorce. It was a diffcult time so as we struggled through this trial, my mother tried to be mindful of doing things that would help us to reflect and work through our feelings. One of our most favorite activies was to take long drives through the Provo Canyon. We'd hop in the car, mom would turn on some music and we'd just think. We'd listen to music, sing, laugh, reflect on the beauty and peace of the canyon, and have conversations about life. Sometimes we felt emotions other than happiness. We were sad, angry, hurt, or confused by the situation, but as we felt these emotions together, and spent quality time reflecting there was a bonding and strengthing power that took place. My point is that wholesome family recreation doesn't have to be in the form of a lavish trip, it can be found in spending quality time together, feeling emotions, having fun, working, or through any other method that promotes growth and strengthening.
Knowing that there is an opposite to all things in life
opens our eyes to the possibility that we will have to experience hurt, anger,
resentment, and pain at some point. We wouldn't know what it felt like to be
happy if we had never felt unhappy. We would not understand what living in
peace felt like, had we never experienced pain. We are required in this earthly
life to feel, to grow, and to progress, and we are also asked to forgive. There
have been some in this life that have had to feel terrible pain. They have
experienced verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, neglect, lived through the
effects of infidelity, or have been hurt or wronged by another. I have heard
tremendously hard things that people have had to experience and my heart aches
for them. How did they make it through these horrible events in life, and how
do they go on to live. I believe the answer lies in a one word answer:
forgiveness. These people that have been so wronged by the world, were able to
forgive! Studies have shown that "Individuals and families who are able to
forgive important transgressions are likely to have better emotional and
physical health." How is this possible? As a victim is able to forgive
their aggressor, they are released from their hurt and anger and in some cases they
are able to "develop empathy for the offender" (Hawkins, 2012, p.
205).
The ability to forgive usually includes a change of heart.
While it is not directly known how a person comes to this change of heart,
there are a few things that influence it. Some people realize that what was
done to them, had been done to their aggressor, others are able to feel
accepting of a sincere apology, some realize that the resentment and anger that
they feel is hurting them more than their aggressor and choose to let these
feelings go. The Successful Marriages and Families book states that "Genuine
forgiveness is a process, not a product. It is hard work and it takes time. It
is a voluntary act that give meaning to the wound and frees the injured person
from the ills of bitterness and resentment" (Hawkins, 2012, p. 205). In
discussing forgiveness, I'd like to share my own personal struggle with this. I
feel humbled by the topic of forgiveness, yet also overwhelmed. I am working
through forgiving another person and it's been a process. I am always grateful
for the chance to gain some added insight on how to forgive because it is
something that I struggle with. When my mom divorced my dad years ago, she
married a man that wrecked a lot of havoc in my family, and it has had dire
consequences. Although I recognize that we each have an ability to choose for
ourselves, outside influences can affect the paths that we take in life. The
influences of my step-father on my siblings has had a negative effect on their
lives, and has caused us all a good amount of hurt, and anger. Thankfully,
after about four years of marriage, my mother realized what a creep this guy
was and sought out a divorce. Her choice to divorce him was strongly influenced
on what happening in the home as well as the information that she was received
that he was one of the ten most wanted men in Utah. Although I have been able
to move on with life, and I don't dwell on it daily, weekly, or monthly like I
used to, it is still a sore spot. There have been times when I've felt guilty
for not fully forgiving. That's what we are taught to do right? Seventy times
seven....it's one of my favorite scriptures, but why has it been so difficult
to do? I was comforted when I read that "Genuine forgiveness is a process,
not a product. It is hard work and it takes time. It is a voluntary act that
gives meaning to the wound and frees the injured person from the ills of
bitterness and resentment."
Forgiveness takes time, and will not happen immediately for everyone.
In my heart, I feel that it's okay that I have not reached the end destination
of forgiveness. What is important is that I'm on the path, and working at it. I
lean on the statement "clearly, the problem with resentment is not in
having it, but in being dominated by it and stuck in it." I have some
resentment towards this individual, but my saving grace is that I'm not stuck
in it. With Heavenly Father's help, I have been able to heal and forgive enough
to get on with my life. I don't feel stuck or dominated by my bitter feelings,
and I know that as I continue to work hard towards forgiving, I can be
successful. Elder Maxwell shared this thought on repentance. He said "we
are actually progressing toward what Paul called "the mind of
Christ"." I felt that this quote also applied to finding forgiveness.
This is what we are all working toward. I want to be able to view my step
father the way that Christ does, and working towards having a "mind of
Christ" will allow that. It is only through recognizing that because of
the Savior, I am able to be forgiven for my imperfect state, and because of
this I am asked to extend the same type of forgiveness to all. President Monson
had proclaimed "Your future is as bright as your faith." This gives
me hope! I have faith that as I continue to call upon the Lord, and seek to
forgive, it will happen and a bright future free of ill feelings towards
another will be waiting.
Before I close this blog post, I would like to discuss the
steps to one-way forgiveness. One-way forgiveness is a process that a victim
must take if their offender is not sorry, or will not repent for their actions.
Understandably, this can be very difficult to the person experiencing this lack
of remorse. At some point in life, every victim must experience a release of
anger and hurt in order to have hope for a brighter future.
(Steps were shared in the book Successful Marriages and
Families. These are not my words)
Recognize the offense. The offender is not the only one who
is responsible for recognizing the wrong-doing. The victim must be willing to
name the offense and claim the injury. The victim must be willing to name the
offense and claim the injury. What moral or civil laws were broken? What injury
was sustained and what were the consequences? What is the meaning of the
injury--how was the victim's belief system changed, and how is he or she different?
Sorrow for the offense. Obviously the offender should feel
sorrow because of transgression. But grieving is also an essential element for
the victim in the healing process. Sorrow is a natural response to loss and
will come as the victim is able to name the offense and claim the injury,
identifying and grieving all the accompanying losses. However, sorrow should be
temporary--one step in the healing process, not a perpetual state of being.
Disclose. The unwillingness of the offender to disclose the
offense does not mean that the victim should not. The victim confesses on
behalf of the offender as he or she breaks the silence and share the details of
the offense with someone--perhaps a confidante, therapist, legal authority or
religious leader. This allows the victim to move out of the world of confusion
and shame and is now ready to place the blame where it belongs. In order to
forgive, the victim must recognize that something was wrong and someone was at
fault.
Avoid the offending behavior. Victims cannot force their
offenders to change their ways, however they can take responsibility for
protecting themselves and others from further victimization. Victims must
establish boundaries and make important decisions about the people they want in
their lives and how they want to be treated by them. Victims who have suffered
serious abuse by a family member may choose not to have any contact with that
relative--at lease for a time. Or they may choose to attend family gatherings,
but on their own during this stage, victims develop guideline for determining a
person’s trustworthiness and establish commonsense rules of conduct for themselves
in order not to place themselves at risk.
Make restitution. Restitution is essential in restoring
order and wholeness to the life of the injured persons. Another way to think of
restitution is "balancing the scales." Balance is destroyed when one person
takes choice away from another while at the same time increases his or her own
choices. Balance is restored to uneven scales by either taking away from the
heavier side or adding to the lighter side. Likewise, in dealing with serious
offenses, balance is restored by punishing the offender or by loading resources
to the depleted reserves of the victim. During this stage the victim may take
legal steps to bring about justice. Instead of expending energy on retaliation,
the victim can find ways to replenish his or her own depleted reserves. Some responsibilities
might include, joining a support group, obtaining additional education or training,
seeking a better job, rejuvenating one's social life, starting a new hobby, or
exploring new self-nurturing activities.
The world seems to point out that there is a great deal of inequality between sexes. If a woman stays at home and tends to the needs of her family, her work might be labeled as being less important than if she held a career. As members of the church we are taught and recognize that there is an equality between sexes and in a spiritual sense not one spouse has more of "an eternal possiblity than the other" (Hawkins, 2012 p. 38). We are required by Heavenly Father and are given a stewardship to be equal partners in our marital relationships. President Hunter said "The Lord intended that the wife be a companion equal and necesary in full partnership. For a man to operate independent of or withough regard to the feelings and counsel of his wife in governing the family is to exercise unrighteous dominion" (Hawkins, 2012 p. 41). What a strong statement! This allows us to feel how imporant working together as husband and wife really is, and how we must work together with a oneness.
Equality in marriage to me means that we experience and seek for a oneness in purpose. I have always appreciated having a spouse that supports me. He views my role in our home as being just as important as his role outside of the home. I know that after I obtain my degree, I'll be working outside of the home more permanently and he will support me in this as well, because we are one in purpose. We have life goals that we've determined together yet, we both have personal goals that do not overstep our desire to be an individual. I believe that a oneness in purpose is the key to an interdependent relationship. According to the text Successful Marriages and Families, "research shows that couples who have an equal partnership have happier relationships, better individual well-being, more effective parenting practices, and better functioning children." The text goes on to say "researchers have consistently found taht couples who share power are more satisfied and have better overall marital quality that couples where one spouse dominates" (Hawkins,p. 43). What a blessing equal partnership can be in a marriage. One of the most sought after feeling in this life, is to have happiness. Happy, is how our Heavenly Father intended us to feel, and he has set up a way for us to experience this through our families and relationships. As we strive to have marital equality, we will experience a greater feeling of happiness spiritually and physically.
As an added note- I have included a scale in which you can assess how power is placed in your relationship. If you believe their is a power struggle in your relationship, answer these questions and evaluate where changes can be made.
Power Processes Scale (Courtesy of: Successful Marriages and Family, Hawkins 2012, p. 43)
My partner tends to discount my opinion.
My partner does not listen to me.
When I want to talk about a problem in our relationship, my partner often refuese to talk with me about it.
My partner tends to dominte our conversations.
When we do not agree on an issue, my partner gives me the cold shoulder.
I do not feel free to exprss my opinion about issues in our relationship.
My partner makes decisions that affect our family without talking to me first.
My partner and I do not talk about problems until we both agree on a solution.
I feel like my partner tries to control me.
Power Outcome Scale
When it comes to money, my partners opinion usually wins out.
When it comes to children my partners opinion usually wins out.
It often seems like my partner can get away with things in the relationship that I can never get away with.
I have no choice but to do what my partner wants.
My partner has more influence in our relationship than I do.
When disagreements arise in our relationship, my partner's opinion usually wins out.
In The Family, A Proclamation to the World it states,
"The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their
potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God's commandment
for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force."
This statement gives power to the principle of parenthood. As members of the
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints, we are taught that families are
central to the plan of salvation. So much of what is done in this live includes
family. We had families before we came to the earth, we live in a family while
here, and when we pass on we will be reunited with our families again. This knowledge
places a large emphasis on why we should prepare to become a parent. In the
book Successful Marriages and Families it states "The earth was designed
to be a habitation for spirit children of our Heavenly Father as they come from
the premortal existence" (Hawkins et al, 2012, p. 151). This is one of the
reasons that the earth was created. It was made in such a way that we can have
all of the necessary resources to rear a family. We were also given the example
of our Savior to follow. As we study and work towards becoming more like him,
our potential to be a good parent increases.
How can you prepare for parenthood? The scriptures teach us
that we should rear our children in love and righteousness. A parents place is
to love, guide, teach, and respect their child. Brigham Young said
"Parents should never drive their children, but lead them along, giving
them knowledge as their minds are prepared to receive it. Chastening may be necessary
betimes, but parents should govern their children by faith rather than by the
rod, leading them kindly by good example into all truth and holiness (Widsoe,
1978, p. 208). In order to promote optimal development in a child, there are a
few specific things that a child needs according to Hawkins:
Love, warmth, and support
Clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior
Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and
compromise
Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and
punishments for breaching established limits
Opportunities to perform competently and make choices
Absences of coercive, hostile forms of discipline, such as
harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming and inflicting guilt
Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control,
positive values, and positive attitudes (Hawkins et al, 2012, p. 105).
As we turn to the Family Proclamation for guidance and
advice and live choose to live in harmony with the principles that it teaches,
the chances of our children choosing to live a righteous life are high.
In my eyes worlds view of dating is defined as "hanging
out" verses a formal dating and courtship. I was once a teenager. Although
my children think that my life prior to my husband was ages ago, it really
wasn't that long ago that I was in the dating scene. I can remember doing a lot
of hanging out, however dating was also an important part of courting and
getting to know someone better. As time has gone on, I think there has been a
shift in our youth. Instead of going on a formal date, many are choosing to
hangout in groups, rather than pairing off. I have a teenage son and most of
the kids in his social group of friends don't date. They like to get together
and hang out, or the kids that do date have a serious and steady girlfriend.
There are a few problems with this mentality. First, having a serious
girlfriend makes it much easier to become attached in a physical sense and not
as much an emotional connection. Physical affection is meant to bind and tie a
couple together. That is the way the
Lord designed it. If the physical
connection is made prematurely, it can cloud and misconstrue what a real
relationship should be.
The hanging out can cause problems as well. It limits being able to get to know a person
beyond a relaxed situation. Connection come from talking to a person and being
able to see many sides of them, besides just the fun and easy going side. I
have been blessed with a strong marriage and I know some of this stems from the
courting that my husband and I did. We dated officially for many months before
we were engaged. I was able to understand who he was, see him on his
"bad" days, and learn about his goals and dreams. We spent time reading each other’s patriarchal
blessings, taking walks on the temple grounds, and attending church together. I
feel that through officially dating, I knew him enough to make a sound decision
about marrying him.
Another issue that curbs a couple from marriage is fear. One
of the biggest decisions that we'll face in life is choosing a spouse. This can
create a lot of fear in the life of a young-adult, or anyone else for that
matter. Elder Lance Wickman of the Seventy shared his thoughts on this subject,
in a talk entitled Confidence Test: From Fear to Faith in the Marriage
Decision. Elder Wickman stated "No decision is approached with greater
trepidation by this generation of young adults. It is a subject that provokes
much anxiety" (Wickman, 2007). Some youth fear that they may make a
mistake in their choice. Some have seen family members and friends experience
the heartache and grief of divorce, and are fearful to experience the same
results. Others may not feel reluctant to be responsible. They are happy with
their life, their ease and comfort, and don't want to give up their life of convenience.
Whatever the reason, fear must be met with faith. Faith in our father in heaven
is the only means that will diminish the feelings of self-doubt.
Elder Wickman shares many pieces of advice to those that are
preparing for marriage. He says "As a part of this courtship experience,
be careful not to base your judgments merely on what could be described as
superficial ticket punching. Do not base your decisions solely on whether
someone has served a full-time mission or holds a particular calling in your
ward. These things can be, should be, and usually are indications of devotion,
faithfulness, and integrity. But not always" (Wickman, 2007). He goes on
to talk about the importance of really getting to know the person for yourself.
As we put in the effort to know who we're dating, the "gospel
checklist" that some like to fill out, will be irrelevant. What truly
matters is seeing these qualities first hand. Wickman also advises to avoid
snap judgements. This can become a problem if we choose to judge someone before
we get to know them. Often these judgements are shallow, worldly, and could
keep us from knowing someone that's perfect for us! Lastly, we must search out
for ourselves to know when a relationship is right. Going to friends, parents,
and church leaders can be helpful, but ultimately only Heavenly Father can give
the kind of guidance you're searching for. David O. McKay said "In
choosing a companion, it is necessary to study the one with whom you are
contemplating making life’s journey. You see how necessary it is to look for
the characteristics of honestly, of loyalty of chasity and of reverence."
I know that as we talk the time to get to know someone,
beyond a hangout, choose not to make snap judgements, and seek out the Lord for
guidance and answers, our fears about marriage can be replaced with an
unwavering measure of faith.
Wickman, L. B. (2016, March 02). Confidence Tests: From Fear to Faith in the Marriage Decision. Speech presented at BYU-Idaho Devotional, Idaho.
