Knowing that there is an opposite to all things in life
opens our eyes to the possibility that we will have to experience hurt, anger,
resentment, and pain at some point. We wouldn't know what it felt like to be
happy if we had never felt unhappy. We would not understand what living in
peace felt like, had we never experienced pain. We are required in this earthly
life to feel, to grow, and to progress, and we are also asked to forgive. There
have been some in this life that have had to feel terrible pain. They have
experienced verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, neglect, lived through the
effects of infidelity, or have been hurt or wronged by another. I have heard
tremendously hard things that people have had to experience and my heart aches
for them. How did they make it through these horrible events in life, and how
do they go on to live. I believe the answer lies in a one word answer:
forgiveness. These people that have been so wronged by the world, were able to
forgive! Studies have shown that "Individuals and families who are able to
forgive important transgressions are likely to have better emotional and
physical health." How is this possible? As a victim is able to forgive
their aggressor, they are released from their hurt and anger and in some cases they
are able to "develop empathy for the offender" (Hawkins, 2012, p.
205).
The ability to forgive usually includes a change of heart.
While it is not directly known how a person comes to this change of heart,
there are a few things that influence it. Some people realize that what was
done to them, had been done to their aggressor, others are able to feel
accepting of a sincere apology, some realize that the resentment and anger that
they feel is hurting them more than their aggressor and choose to let these
feelings go. The Successful Marriages and Families book states that "Genuine
forgiveness is a process, not a product. It is hard work and it takes time. It
is a voluntary act that give meaning to the wound and frees the injured person
from the ills of bitterness and resentment" (Hawkins, 2012, p. 205). In
discussing forgiveness, I'd like to share my own personal struggle with this. I
feel humbled by the topic of forgiveness, yet also overwhelmed. I am working
through forgiving another person and it's been a process. I am always grateful
for the chance to gain some added insight on how to forgive because it is
something that I struggle with. When my mom divorced my dad years ago, she
married a man that wrecked a lot of havoc in my family, and it has had dire
consequences. Although I recognize that we each have an ability to choose for
ourselves, outside influences can affect the paths that we take in life. The
influences of my step-father on my siblings has had a negative effect on their
lives, and has caused us all a good amount of hurt, and anger. Thankfully,
after about four years of marriage, my mother realized what a creep this guy
was and sought out a divorce. Her choice to divorce him was strongly influenced
on what happening in the home as well as the information that she was received
that he was one of the ten most wanted men in Utah. Although I have been able
to move on with life, and I don't dwell on it daily, weekly, or monthly like I
used to, it is still a sore spot. There have been times when I've felt guilty
for not fully forgiving. That's what we are taught to do right? Seventy times
seven....it's one of my favorite scriptures, but why has it been so difficult
to do? I was comforted when I read that "Genuine forgiveness is a process,
not a product. It is hard work and it takes time. It is a voluntary act that
gives meaning to the wound and frees the injured person from the ills of
bitterness and resentment."
Forgiveness takes time, and will not happen immediately for everyone.
In my heart, I feel that it's okay that I have not reached the end destination
of forgiveness. What is important is that I'm on the path, and working at it. I
lean on the statement "clearly, the problem with resentment is not in
having it, but in being dominated by it and stuck in it." I have some
resentment towards this individual, but my saving grace is that I'm not stuck
in it. With Heavenly Father's help, I have been able to heal and forgive enough
to get on with my life. I don't feel stuck or dominated by my bitter feelings,
and I know that as I continue to work hard towards forgiving, I can be
successful. Elder Maxwell shared this thought on repentance. He said "we
are actually progressing toward what Paul called "the mind of
Christ"." I felt that this quote also applied to finding forgiveness.
This is what we are all working toward. I want to be able to view my step
father the way that Christ does, and working towards having a "mind of
Christ" will allow that. It is only through recognizing that because of
the Savior, I am able to be forgiven for my imperfect state, and because of
this I am asked to extend the same type of forgiveness to all. President Monson
had proclaimed "Your future is as bright as your faith." This gives
me hope! I have faith that as I continue to call upon the Lord, and seek to
forgive, it will happen and a bright future free of ill feelings towards
another will be waiting.
Before I close this blog post, I would like to discuss the
steps to one-way forgiveness. One-way forgiveness is a process that a victim
must take if their offender is not sorry, or will not repent for their actions.
Understandably, this can be very difficult to the person experiencing this lack
of remorse. At some point in life, every victim must experience a release of
anger and hurt in order to have hope for a brighter future.
(Steps were shared in the book Successful Marriages and
Families. These are not my words)
Recognize the offense. The offender is not the only one who
is responsible for recognizing the wrong-doing. The victim must be willing to
name the offense and claim the injury. The victim must be willing to name the
offense and claim the injury. What moral or civil laws were broken? What injury
was sustained and what were the consequences? What is the meaning of the
injury--how was the victim's belief system changed, and how is he or she different?
Sorrow for the offense. Obviously the offender should feel
sorrow because of transgression. But grieving is also an essential element for
the victim in the healing process. Sorrow is a natural response to loss and
will come as the victim is able to name the offense and claim the injury,
identifying and grieving all the accompanying losses. However, sorrow should be
temporary--one step in the healing process, not a perpetual state of being.
Disclose. The unwillingness of the offender to disclose the
offense does not mean that the victim should not. The victim confesses on
behalf of the offender as he or she breaks the silence and share the details of
the offense with someone--perhaps a confidante, therapist, legal authority or
religious leader. This allows the victim to move out of the world of confusion
and shame and is now ready to place the blame where it belongs. In order to
forgive, the victim must recognize that something was wrong and someone was at
fault.
Avoid the offending behavior. Victims cannot force their
offenders to change their ways, however they can take responsibility for
protecting themselves and others from further victimization. Victims must
establish boundaries and make important decisions about the people they want in
their lives and how they want to be treated by them. Victims who have suffered
serious abuse by a family member may choose not to have any contact with that
relative--at lease for a time. Or they may choose to attend family gatherings,
but on their own during this stage, victims develop guideline for determining a
person’s trustworthiness and establish commonsense rules of conduct for themselves
in order not to place themselves at risk.
Make restitution. Restitution is essential in restoring
order and wholeness to the life of the injured persons. Another way to think of
restitution is "balancing the scales." Balance is destroyed when one person
takes choice away from another while at the same time increases his or her own
choices. Balance is restored to uneven scales by either taking away from the
heavier side or adding to the lighter side. Likewise, in dealing with serious
offenses, balance is restored by punishing the offender or by loading resources
to the depleted reserves of the victim. During this stage the victim may take
legal steps to bring about justice. Instead of expending energy on retaliation,
the victim can find ways to replenish his or her own depleted reserves. Some responsibilities
might include, joining a support group, obtaining additional education or training,
seeking a better job, rejuvenating one's social life, starting a new hobby, or
exploring new self-nurturing activities.
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