Marriage Preparation

In my eyes worlds view of dating is defined as "hanging out" verses a formal dating and courtship. I was once a teenager. Although my children think that my life prior to my husband was ages ago, it really wasn't that long ago that I was in the dating scene. I can remember doing a lot of hanging out, however dating was also an important part of courting and getting to know someone better. As time has gone on, I think there has been a shift in our youth. Instead of going on a formal date, many are choosing to hangout in groups, rather than pairing off. I have a teenage son and most of the kids in his social group of friends don't date. They like to get together and hang out, or the kids that do date have a serious and steady girlfriend. There are a few problems with this mentality. First, having a serious girlfriend makes it much easier to become attached in a physical sense and not as much an emotional connection. Physical affection is meant to bind and tie a couple together.  That is the way the Lord designed it.  If the physical connection is made prematurely, it can cloud and misconstrue what a real relationship should be.

The hanging out can cause problems as well.  It limits being able to get to know a person beyond a relaxed situation. Connection come from talking to a person and being able to see many sides of them, besides just the fun and easy going side. I have been blessed with a strong marriage and I know some of this stems from the courting that my husband and I did. We dated officially for many months before we were engaged. I was able to understand who he was, see him on his "bad" days, and learn about his goals and dreams.  We spent time reading each other’s patriarchal blessings, taking walks on the temple grounds, and attending church together. I feel that through officially dating, I knew him enough to make a sound decision about marrying him.

Another issue that curbs a couple from marriage is fear. One of the biggest decisions that we'll face in life is choosing a spouse. This can create a lot of fear in the life of a young-adult, or anyone else for that matter. Elder Lance Wickman of the Seventy shared his thoughts on this subject, in a talk entitled Confidence Test: From Fear to Faith in the Marriage Decision. Elder Wickman stated "No decision is approached with greater trepidation by this generation of young adults. It is a subject that provokes much anxiety" (Wickman, 2007). Some youth fear that they may make a mistake in their choice. Some have seen family members and friends experience the heartache and grief of divorce, and are fearful to experience the same results. Others may not feel reluctant to be responsible. They are happy with their life, their ease and comfort, and don't want to give up their life of convenience. Whatever the reason, fear must be met with faith. Faith in our father in heaven is the only means that will diminish the feelings of self-doubt.

Elder Wickman shares many pieces of advice to those that are preparing for marriage. He says "As a part of this courtship experience, be careful not to base your judgments merely on what could be described as superficial ticket punching. Do not base your decisions solely on whether someone has served a full-time mission or holds a particular calling in your ward. These things can be, should be, and usually are indications of devotion, faithfulness, and integrity. But not always" (Wickman, 2007). He goes on to talk about the importance of really getting to know the person for yourself. As we put in the effort to know who we're dating, the "gospel checklist" that some like to fill out, will be irrelevant. What truly matters is seeing these qualities first hand. Wickman also advises to avoid snap judgements. This can become a problem if we choose to judge someone before we get to know them. Often these judgements are shallow, worldly, and could keep us from knowing someone that's perfect for us! Lastly, we must search out for ourselves to know when a relationship is right. Going to friends, parents, and church leaders can be helpful, but ultimately only Heavenly Father can give the kind of guidance you're searching for. David O. McKay said "In choosing a companion, it is necessary to study the one with whom you are contemplating making life’s journey. You see how necessary it is to look for the characteristics of honestly, of loyalty of chasity and of reverence."

I know that as we talk the time to get to know someone, beyond a hangout, choose not to make snap judgements, and seek out the Lord for guidance and answers, our fears about marriage can be replaced with an unwavering measure of faith.

Wickman, L. B. (2016, March 02). Confidence Tests: From Fear to Faith in the Marriage Decision. Speech presented at BYU-Idaho Devotional, Idaho.