Seventy Times Seven; Exercising Forgiveness in Relationships

Knowing that there is an opposite to all things in life opens our eyes to the possibility that we will have to experience hurt, anger, resentment, and pain at some point. We wouldn't know what it felt like to be happy if we had never felt unhappy. We would not understand what living in peace felt like, had we never experienced pain. We are required in this earthly life to feel, to grow, and to progress, and we are also asked to forgive. There have been some in this life that have had to feel terrible pain. They have experienced verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, neglect, lived through the effects of infidelity, or have been hurt or wronged by another. I have heard tremendously hard things that people have had to experience and my heart aches for them. How did they make it through these horrible events in life, and how do they go on to live. I believe the answer lies in a one word answer: forgiveness. These people that have been so wronged by the world, were able to forgive! Studies have shown that "Individuals and families who are able to forgive important transgressions are likely to have better emotional and physical health." How is this possible? As a victim is able to forgive their aggressor, they are released from their hurt and anger and in some cases they are able to "develop empathy for the offender" (Hawkins, 2012, p. 205).

The ability to forgive usually includes a change of heart. While it is not directly known how a person comes to this change of heart, there are a few things that influence it. Some people realize that what was done to them, had been done to their aggressor, others are able to feel accepting of a sincere apology, some realize that the resentment and anger that they feel is hurting them more than their aggressor and choose to let these feelings go. The Successful Marriages and Families book states that "Genuine forgiveness is a process, not a product. It is hard work and it takes time. It is a voluntary act that give meaning to the wound and frees the injured person from the ills of bitterness and resentment" (Hawkins, 2012, p. 205). In discussing forgiveness, I'd like to share my own personal struggle with this. I feel humbled by the topic of forgiveness, yet also overwhelmed. I am working through forgiving another person and it's been a process. I am always grateful for the chance to gain some added insight on how to forgive because it is something that I struggle with. When my mom divorced my dad years ago, she married a man that wrecked a lot of havoc in my family, and it has had dire consequences. Although I recognize that we each have an ability to choose for ourselves, outside influences can affect the paths that we take in life. The influences of my step-father on my siblings has had a negative effect on their lives, and has caused us all a good amount of hurt, and anger. Thankfully, after about four years of marriage, my mother realized what a creep this guy was and sought out a divorce. Her choice to divorce him was strongly influenced on what happening in the home as well as the information that she was received that he was one of the ten most wanted men in Utah. Although I have been able to move on with life, and I don't dwell on it daily, weekly, or monthly like I used to, it is still a sore spot. There have been times when I've felt guilty for not fully forgiving. That's what we are taught to do right? Seventy times seven....it's one of my favorite scriptures, but why has it been so difficult to do? I was comforted when I read that "Genuine forgiveness is a process, not a product. It is hard work and it takes time. It is a voluntary act that gives meaning to the wound and frees the injured person from the ills of bitterness and resentment."

Forgiveness takes time, and will not happen immediately for everyone. In my heart, I feel that it's okay that I have not reached the end destination of forgiveness. What is important is that I'm on the path, and working at it. I lean on the statement "clearly, the problem with resentment is not in having it, but in being dominated by it and stuck in it." I have some resentment towards this individual, but my saving grace is that I'm not stuck in it. With Heavenly Father's help, I have been able to heal and forgive enough to get on with my life. I don't feel stuck or dominated by my bitter feelings, and I know that as I continue to work hard towards forgiving, I can be successful. Elder Maxwell shared this thought on repentance. He said "we are actually progressing toward what Paul called "the mind of Christ"." I felt that this quote also applied to finding forgiveness. This is what we are all working toward. I want to be able to view my step father the way that Christ does, and working towards having a "mind of Christ" will allow that. It is only through recognizing that because of the Savior, I am able to be forgiven for my imperfect state, and because of this I am asked to extend the same type of forgiveness to all. President Monson had proclaimed "Your future is as bright as your faith." This gives me hope! I have faith that as I continue to call upon the Lord, and seek to forgive, it will happen and a bright future free of ill feelings towards another will be waiting. 

Before I close this blog post, I would like to discuss the steps to one-way forgiveness. One-way forgiveness is a process that a victim must take if their offender is not sorry, or will not repent for their actions. Understandably, this can be very difficult to the person experiencing this lack of remorse. At some point in life, every victim must experience a release of anger and hurt in order to have hope for a brighter future.

(Steps were shared in the book Successful Marriages and Families. These are not my words)

Recognize the offense. The offender is not the only one who is responsible for recognizing the wrong-doing. The victim must be willing to name the offense and claim the injury. The victim must be willing to name the offense and claim the injury. What moral or civil laws were broken? What injury was sustained and what were the consequences? What is the meaning of the injury--how was the victim's belief system changed, and how is he or she different?

Sorrow for the offense. Obviously the offender should feel sorrow because of transgression. But grieving is also an essential element for the victim in the healing process. Sorrow is a natural response to loss and will come as the victim is able to name the offense and claim the injury, identifying and grieving all the accompanying losses. However, sorrow should be temporary--one step in the healing process, not a perpetual state of being.

Disclose. The unwillingness of the offender to disclose the offense does not mean that the victim should not. The victim confesses on behalf of the offender as he or she breaks the silence and share the details of the offense with someone--perhaps a confidante, therapist, legal authority or religious leader. This allows the victim to move out of the world of confusion and shame and is now ready to place the blame where it belongs. In order to forgive, the victim must recognize that something was wrong and someone was at fault.

Avoid the offending behavior. Victims cannot force their offenders to change their ways, however they can take responsibility for protecting themselves and others from further victimization. Victims must establish boundaries and make important decisions about the people they want in their lives and how they want to be treated by them. Victims who have suffered serious abuse by a family member may choose not to have any contact with that relative--at lease for a time. Or they may choose to attend family gatherings, but on their own during this stage, victims develop guideline for determining a person’s trustworthiness and establish commonsense rules of conduct for themselves in order not to place themselves at risk.

Make restitution. Restitution is essential in restoring order and wholeness to the life of the injured persons. Another way to think of restitution is "balancing the scales." Balance is destroyed when one person takes choice away from another while at the same time increases his or her own choices. Balance is restored to uneven scales by either taking away from the heavier side or adding to the lighter side. Likewise, in dealing with serious offenses, balance is restored by punishing the offender or by loading resources to the depleted reserves of the victim. During this stage the victim may take legal steps to bring about justice. Instead of expending energy on retaliation, the victim can find ways to replenish his or her own depleted reserves. Some responsibilities might include, joining a support group, obtaining additional education or training, seeking a better job, rejuvenating one's social life, starting a new hobby, or exploring new self-nurturing activities.

Equal Partnership in Marriage

The world seems to point out that there is a great deal of inequality between sexes. If a woman stays at home and tends to the needs of her family, her work might be labeled as being less important than if she held a career. As members of the church we are taught and recognize that there is an equality between sexes and in a spiritual sense not one spouse has more of "an eternal possiblity than the other" (Hawkins, 2012 p. 38). We are required by Heavenly Father and are given a stewardship to be equal partners in our marital relationships. President Hunter said "The Lord intended that the wife be a companion equal and necesary in full partnership. For a man to operate independent of or withough regard to the feelings and counsel of his wife in governing the family is to exercise unrighteous dominion" (Hawkins, 2012 p. 41). What a strong statement! This allows us to feel how imporant working together as husband and wife really is, and how we must work together with a oneness. 

Equality in marriage to me means that we experience and seek for a oneness in purpose. I have always appreciated having a spouse that supports me. He views my role in our home as being just as important as his role outside of the home. I know that after I obtain my degree, I'll be working outside of the home more permanently and he will support me in this as well, because we are one in purpose. We have life goals that we've determined together yet, we both have personal goals that do not overstep our desire to be an individual. I believe that a oneness in purpose is the key to an interdependent relationship. According to the text Successful Marriages and Families, "research shows that couples who have an equal partnership have happier relationships, better individual well-being, more effective parenting practices, and better functioning children." The text goes on to say "researchers have consistently found taht couples who share power are more satisfied and have better overall marital quality that couples where one spouse dominates" (Hawkins,p. 43). What a blessing equal partnership can be in a marriage. One of the most sought after feeling in this life, is to have happiness. Happy, is how our Heavenly Father intended us to feel, and he has set up a way for us to experience this through our families and relationships. As we strive to have marital equality, we will experience a greater feeling of happiness spiritually and physically.

As an added note- I have included a scale in which you can assess how power is placed in your relationship. If you believe their is a power struggle in your relationship, answer these questions and evaluate where changes can be made.

Power Processes Scale (Courtesy of: Successful Marriages and Family, Hawkins 2012, p. 43)

1. My partner tends to discount my opinion.
2. My partner does not listen to me.
3. When I want to talk about a problem in our relationship, my partner often refuese to talk with me about it.
4. My partner tends to dominte our conversations.
5. When we do not agree on an issue, my partner gives me the cold shoulder.
6. I do not feel free to exprss my opinion about issues in our relationship.
7. My partner makes decisions that affect our family without talking to me first.
8. My partner and I do not talk about problems until we both agree on a solution.
9. I feel like my partner tries to control me.

Power Outcome Scale

1. When it comes to money, my partners opinion usually wins out.
2. When it comes to children my partners opinion usually wins out.
3. It often seems like my partner can get away with things in the relationship that I can never get away with.
4. I have no choice but to do what my partner wants.
5. My partner has more influence in our relationship than I do.
6. When disagreements arise in our relationship, my partner's opinion usually wins out.

Preparing To Become a Parent

 In The Family, A Proclamation to the World it states, "The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force." This statement gives power to the principle of parenthood. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints, we are taught that families are central to the plan of salvation. So much of what is done in this live includes family. We had families before we came to the earth, we live in a family while here, and when we pass on we will be reunited with our families again. This knowledge places a large emphasis on why we should prepare to become a parent. In the book Successful Marriages and Families it states "The earth was designed to be a habitation for spirit children of our Heavenly Father as they come from the premortal existence" (Hawkins et al, 2012, p. 151). This is one of the reasons that the earth was created. It was made in such a way that we can have all of the necessary resources to rear a family. We were also given the example of our Savior to follow. As we study and work towards becoming more like him, our potential to be a good parent increases.

How can you prepare for parenthood? The scriptures teach us that we should rear our children in love and righteousness. A parents place is to love, guide, teach, and respect their child. Brigham Young said "Parents should never drive their children, but lead them along, giving them knowledge as their minds are prepared to receive it. Chastening may be necessary betimes, but parents should govern their children by faith rather than by the rod, leading them kindly by good example into all truth and holiness (Widsoe, 1978, p. 208). In order to promote optimal development in a child, there are a few specific things that a child needs according to Hawkins:

• Love, warmth, and support
• Clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior
• Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise
• Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching established limits
• Opportunities to perform competently and make choices
• Absences of coercive, hostile forms of discipline, such as harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming and inflicting guilt
• Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values, and positive attitudes (Hawkins et al, 2012, p. 105).

As we turn to the Family Proclamation for guidance and advice and live choose to live in harmony with the principles that it teaches, the chances of our children choosing to live a righteous life are high.

Marriage Preparation

In my eyes worlds view of dating is defined as "hanging out" verses a formal dating and courtship. I was once a teenager. Although my children think that my life prior to my husband was ages ago, it really wasn't that long ago that I was in the dating scene. I can remember doing a lot of hanging out, however dating was also an important part of courting and getting to know someone better. As time has gone on, I think there has been a shift in our youth. Instead of going on a formal date, many are choosing to hangout in groups, rather than pairing off. I have a teenage son and most of the kids in his social group of friends don't date. They like to get together and hang out, or the kids that do date have a serious and steady girlfriend. There are a few problems with this mentality. First, having a serious girlfriend makes it much easier to become attached in a physical sense and not as much an emotional connection. Physical affection is meant to bind and tie a couple together.  That is the way the Lord designed it.  If the physical connection is made prematurely, it can cloud and misconstrue what a real relationship should be.

The hanging out can cause problems as well.  It limits being able to get to know a person beyond a relaxed situation. Connection come from talking to a person and being able to see many sides of them, besides just the fun and easy going side. I have been blessed with a strong marriage and I know some of this stems from the courting that my husband and I did. We dated officially for many months before we were engaged. I was able to understand who he was, see him on his "bad" days, and learn about his goals and dreams.  We spent time reading each other’s patriarchal blessings, taking walks on the temple grounds, and attending church together. I feel that through officially dating, I knew him enough to make a sound decision about marrying him.

Another issue that curbs a couple from marriage is fear. One of the biggest decisions that we'll face in life is choosing a spouse. This can create a lot of fear in the life of a young-adult, or anyone else for that matter. Elder Lance Wickman of the Seventy shared his thoughts on this subject, in a talk entitled Confidence Test: From Fear to Faith in the Marriage Decision. Elder Wickman stated "No decision is approached with greater trepidation by this generation of young adults. It is a subject that provokes much anxiety" (Wickman, 2007). Some youth fear that they may make a mistake in their choice. Some have seen family members and friends experience the heartache and grief of divorce, and are fearful to experience the same results. Others may not feel reluctant to be responsible. They are happy with their life, their ease and comfort, and don't want to give up their life of convenience. Whatever the reason, fear must be met with faith. Faith in our father in heaven is the only means that will diminish the feelings of self-doubt.

Elder Wickman shares many pieces of advice to those that are preparing for marriage. He says "As a part of this courtship experience, be careful not to base your judgments merely on what could be described as superficial ticket punching. Do not base your decisions solely on whether someone has served a full-time mission or holds a particular calling in your ward. These things can be, should be, and usually are indications of devotion, faithfulness, and integrity. But not always" (Wickman, 2007). He goes on to talk about the importance of really getting to know the person for yourself. As we put in the effort to know who we're dating, the "gospel checklist" that some like to fill out, will be irrelevant. What truly matters is seeing these qualities first hand. Wickman also advises to avoid snap judgements. This can become a problem if we choose to judge someone before we get to know them. Often these judgements are shallow, worldly, and could keep us from knowing someone that's perfect for us! Lastly, we must search out for ourselves to know when a relationship is right. Going to friends, parents, and church leaders can be helpful, but ultimately only Heavenly Father can give the kind of guidance you're searching for. David O. McKay said "In choosing a companion, it is necessary to study the one with whom you are contemplating making life’s journey. You see how necessary it is to look for the characteristics of honestly, of loyalty of chasity and of reverence."

I know that as we talk the time to get to know someone, beyond a hangout, choose not to make snap judgements, and seek out the Lord for guidance and answers, our fears about marriage can be replaced with an unwavering measure of faith.

Wickman, L. B. (2016, March 02). Confidence Tests: From Fear to Faith in the Marriage Decision. Speech presented at BYU-Idaho Devotional, Idaho.

Noble Fatherhood

Ezra Taft Benson stated that fatherhood is an "eternal calling from which he is never released" (Hawkins 2012, p. 140). Adam, the first earthly father, was given an eternal calling to be a father. He was commanded with his wife Eve to "multiply and replenish" the Earth. The calling to be a father did not end once the children were born. Fathers have a calling to preside in the home, to partner with their spouse, to be present in the lives of their family members, to provide for the needs of the home, and to protect their families.

A father's presence can be felt in the home and research has even shown that effective fathering has its benefits. According to the book Successful Homes and Marriages "preschool children whose fathers are involved and interact positively with them display greater cognitive ability, more individual control, and more empathy than other children." The research goes on to state "both boys and girls who have positively involved fathers show higher social competence and experience fewer problems in school" (Hawkins 2012, p. 142). Fathers who preside over their homes create an environment where morals, values and gospel principles can be taught. When a fathers focus is on being the anchor in the home the efforts will be felt in how they bless and love their children and families.

Fathers also have a duty to partner with their spouse. In doing research upon the influence that a father and mother can have upon their children, I have found that there is nothing that can top this union and the effects that it can have. A mother has her strengths and duties, and when they are coupled with the strengths and duties of a father, the result is nearly magical! As fathers and mothers work together to raise their children, they create a well-balanced and secure home life which will produce children that thrive. Next, fathers must be present in the lives of their children. There are many distractions in life: phones, computers, TV, outside recreation, hobbies ect. These influences can draw our attentions away from our family and the things that matter the most. The only way to meet a child’s needs is to be readily available when they need you. One father recalled “For my 3 year old daughter, being present means reading books together and giving her a piggyback ride at bedtime. Being present with my teenage son is more likely to involve listening to his descriptions of scientific projects and providing positive affirmation when he has persona doubts. In either case, being present is a continuing commitment.” (Hawkins 2012, p. 144). Parental presence is more than providing the basic needs. While these are all important measures that a parent needs to meet, a child’s greatest need is a sense of security. As a mother and father provide the basic needs coupled with affection, love, teaching, and warmth, a child can feel secure.

 

Lastly, fathers are responsible to provide for the family, and to protect them. Not only does providing for a families monetary and temporal needs bless the family, but it also effects a father’s view of self. Providing is one way that a father can show his love for his family. Fathers must also protect their families from the outside forces of the world. “Perhaps the most important aspect of protecting children occurs as fathers model appropriate and righteous behavior in their own actions and choices” (2012, p. 147). Example can be a powerful tool. As we watch our own behaviors and model righteous behaviors our families will be blessed for our efforts. A positive example will equip children with strong life skills and will prepare them to handle difficult life challenges. The blessing of a father cannot be traded. Together with a wife, they have the ability to do much good in the life of a child. 

In Gratitude of our Mothers

I never fully appreciated my mother until I became one. It wasn't until I experienced sleepless nights, going without showers because I was too busy, cleaning up messes, changing diapers, and caring more about another human than myself, that I realized how special my mother was. She did all of these things for me! This selfless sacrifice is irreplaceable. A statement made by the First Presidency gives perspective to how the Lord views the role of a mother "Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels" (James R. Clark, 1935-1951, p.178). Wow! What a blessing motherhood is. To be given a calling that requires so much sacrifice, but also gives the blessing of being close to God in my mind is nothing short of priceless. Being a mother myself, there have been times when I've wondered if the work that I do is worth it? There are times that it seems that no one notices that their drawers are stocked with clean clothes, the dishes in the cupboards are clean, and that everyone is delivered on time to their various activities. Now I don't say these things to toot my own horn, but rather to say that I understand how a mother can feel taken for granted at times. The worlds view on motherhood isn't encouraging. The work that mothers perform in the home is often devalued leaving some mothers to feel less than important. Church doctrine as well as social scientists have a different opinion on this matter. Researchers have uncovered that a mother as a significant influence on their children. They found that "the way a mother interacts with her child, her maternal sensitivity, is the strongest, most consistent predictor of her child's cognitive, social, and emotional development (NICHD, 2003).

Mothers are also critical in nurturing growth and development in their children. They create a loving environment where peace and contentment are found. When a home is orderly, clean, and children adhere to a schedule, the outcomes are grand. Children thrive when a routine is put in place and mothers have the power to provide this in the home. Mothers also help with development through the emotional work that they do with their children. Who’s the first person you want to tell when you aced a test, made a new friend, or had a tough day? It's mom! Mothers help facilitate emotional work as they listen, support, converse with, and recognize feelings. These actions given by a mother cannot be replaced. Teacher is also a critical role that mothers play. As infants, mothers teach their children how to communicate as they talk to them, smile, and play. As the child grows, principles and wisdom that the mother has learned is passed onto her children. Mothers in an LDS home teach the gospel. Their children learn where they came from, what their purpose is, and where they are going. This knowledge is priceless! Elder David O. Mckay said "Motherhood is the greatest potential influence either for good, or ill in human life. The mother's image is the first that stamps itself on the unwritten page of the young child's mind. It is her caress that first awakens a sense of security; her kiss, the first realization of affection; her sympathy and tenderness, the first assurance that there is love in the world." Motherhood is divine. It allows us to think outside of our self, feel a deep sense of appreciation to those that have influenced our life, and will bring a closeness to our Heavenly Father like nothing else can. Mothers are special, and motherhood is a gift from above.