The Golden Years

There have been times in my marriage when I've toyed with the idea of what marriage will be like later in my life. I often seem to romanticize this period of life as I think about how great it will be when there isn't a child’s nose to wipe, plenty of free time, and vacation time with my husband. Although I don't think this way while I'm lost in my daydream, marriage in the later years of life will still carry trials and hard times. Some will struggle with the empty nest stage where the once bustling house is now empty and quiet, others will realize that their marriage isn't as strong as they thought it was as they try to adjust to the new life of retirement. Some will grieve as they watch children pass away to soon, experience financial hardships, or find themselves caring for ailing parents. While there are blessing to be had in every season in life, there are also the times of struggle. I feel that it's important to understand the challenges that lie ahead, so that we can better prepare ourselves for this stage in life. President Benson gave some great advice on how to overcome the feelings of uselessness that some aging individuals might feel. He said "The key to overcoming aloneness and a feeling of uselessness for one who is physically able is to step outside yourself by helping others who are truly needy. We promise those who will render this kind of service that, in some measure, you will be healed of the loss of loved ones or the dread of being alone. The way to feel better about your own situation is to improve someone else's circumstances (Hawkins, 2012, p. 93). What a great piece of advice to know and understand before reaching the stage of actually needing it. When we are feeling alone or dire about our circumstances, we must seek to help another, and lose our selves in the service of another person’s life.

In regards to attachment theory, research has shown that "there is an innate, motivating force hardwired in the brain that compels all humans, at all points in the life cycle, to seek contact and connection to others. When securely and safely connected to others, both men and woman are more confident, are healthier physically, mentally and emotionally, and are able to more effectively cope with life's stresses and challenges (Hawkins, 20112, p. 89).  What a blessing having a strong relationship can be. Not only do we feel better about our life and situation, we are also proven to be healthier, and better equipped to take on life’s challenges. While there are trials in every period in our life, the blessing of having a strong marriage later in life are nearly irreplaceable. The later years provide a couple with more resolve, a great deal of wisdom, and an example of perseverance to be left with their children and grandchildren. These years truly can be the dream that I spoke of earlier in my post, if we recognize that there will be challenges, lose ourselves in service, and recognize the blessings that come from age and experience.

Grief, Loss, and The Healing Power of the Atonement

Grief is the response that we have when we suffer loss in life. Each person experiences grief in a different way. Some may feel depressed, sad, hurt, and anxious, have denial, feel dumb, want to disconnect from others. These are just a few ways that people deal with grief, and it's important to understand that it is okay to mourn. In the article "Coping with Grief in Perinatal Loss" advice was offered when the author stated "At this stage of your life, it is important that you allow yourself to mourn. Take as much time as you need. Let it happen in your own way and on your own timeline. One of the most helpful things you can have at this time is a strong network of support. Try to reach out to friends and family. Talk to them about your feelings. Do not be afraid to ask them for help if you need it. Keep in mind that others may not understand the magnitude of this loss. Consider explaining the significance of the loss to those around you. Communicating with them can help them sympathize and become better able to support you in the way that you need to be supported" (Johnson). I think this is powerful and useful advice. People mourn differently and at different times. What may be difficult to one in the beginning may not bother someone else until further down the road. I think as we support others through this trial, it's important to be a good support and recognize that mourning a loss may look different than how you would deal with it.

In the article "The Healing Power of Grief" licensed clinical social worker Steven Eastmond talks about a few principles that can help those that are struggling with grief. Whether we are experiencing it ourselves, or a person close to us, this information is helpful. First, Mr. Eastmond says that even though grief is painful, we must not keep ourselves from feeling it. The pain of a loss is a normal emotion to feel while in the grieving process. He also states that " Grieving is not a brief process. Be patient with it and give it time. As with a physical wound, the pain of losing a loved one requires time to heal"( Eastmond, 2014). Next it is important to understand that feeling grief does not mean that we are lacking in our faith. Going through the emotions of loss are difficult, and a normal part of life. By allowing self to feel this hurt, does not mean that we are lacking in faith in our Heavenly Father. Next, Eastmond explains that experiencing grief is the price that we must pay for loving someone. He said "I have learned that grief is the price we pay for loving someone—and that the price is worth it. None of the people I have worked with said they would give up the love they had for a family member in order to avoid the grief that came from losing that family member. When loved ones pass from this side of the veil to the other, they continue to be just as important to us as when they were with us. Because we love them, we can’t really expect to completely “get over” losing them" (Stevenson, 2014).

I lost a baby due to a miscarriage in between my first and second child. I was heartbroken, and can remember feeling very depressed for a time. I felt nervous about conceiving again, because I didn't want to go through the pain of loss again. After I had my third child, I was told by many doctors that I should not have any more children due to some complications that I had with my first pregnancy. Although this was not a direct loss of life, I still felt a huge loss in my heart. I had planned to have more children, and the fact that the choice was taken from me was hard to deal with. While these times in my life were very difficult, they also offered a blessing of gratitude to me. I often feel so grateful for the children that I have and for fact that I was able to get them here safely. My relationships with them are of great importance to me, and I appreciate the gift of motherhood. I know that I would love them no matter what, but having a clearer vision of what it means to have them here with me, makes me grateful for these blessings.

Loss can also be a time when we turn to our Savior for comfort and help. He knows our pain, he understands our struggle, and he shares in our grief. As we recognize this, our hearts can be filled with peace. It will not come overnight, and sometimes will be more difficult than others, but the Savior can offer the light of a new day that offers comfort, happy times, and peace in our soul.

Eastmond, S. (n.d.). The Healing Power of Grief - Ensign Jan. 2014 - ensign. Retrieved April 03, 2016, from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/01/the-healing-power-of-grief?lang=eng

The Blessing of Time

Wholesome family recreation is an important part of family unity and bonding. In my experience, children want nothing more than time and love. When we give our time to our children, it requires us to be fully engaged and listening to what they're saying. Our world is fast paced and busy, and it's not always easy to break away from this in order to pay attention to our children. That is why it is so important that we use our free time wisely, and in doing activities that will give our children our time and build solid relationships. In the book Successful Marriages and families it says "free time should be used wisely to create the best possible life, to promote individual growth and strengthen families" (Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, p. 225). This quote gives purpose to why we should strive for good family activities; they allow us to create a wonderful life, strengthen our familes and help us grow. Fun doesn't always have to come packaged as family vacations, trips to Disneyland, and other activities that cost large amounts of money. Some of my most fond memories as a child came from doing the small things in life with my family. I can remember doing a lot of work at my grandparents house, but it never felt like work because it was so fun! We would help grandpa in the yard pruning his trees, mowing the lawn, and weeding the garden. In turn, he'd allow us to take rides in the wheel barrow filled with grass clippings, climb ladders to reach the high branches that needed clipping, and eat fresh sugar peas from his garden. I looked forward to the quality time that I spent with my grandparents, and to this day, these are some of my most fond memories from childhood. Sure I remember the family vacations, and trips to the local amusement park, but they don't compare to the fun we had at grandma and grandpas house.

 

I think sometimes we become so caught up in life that we forget to do the little things that can bring happiness or, we feel discouraged if our life doesn't always feel joyful. Experiencing emotions in life besides just joy and fun can help strengthen families as well. Again from the Successful Marriages and Families book it states "The true meaning of being alive is not just to feel happy, but to experience the full range of human emotions" (Successful Marriages and Families, Hawkins, p. 227). I can remember particpating in wholesome recreation with my family as my parents were going through a divorce. It was a diffcult time so as we struggled through this trial, my mother tried to be mindful of doing things that would help us to reflect and work through our feelings. One of our most favorite activies was to take long drives through the Provo Canyon. We'd hop in the car, mom would turn on some music and we'd just think. We'd listen to music, sing, laugh, reflect on the beauty and peace of the canyon, and have conversations about life. Sometimes we felt emotions other than happiness. We were sad, angry, hurt, or confused by the situation, but as we felt these emotions together, and spent quality time reflecting there was a bonding and strengthing power that took place. My point is that wholesome family recreation doesn't have to be in the form of a lavish trip, it can be found in spending quality time together, feeling emotions, having fun, working, or through any other method that promotes growth and strengthening.