Healthy Parenting Practices

Do you use coercion in your parenting? Coercion is the practice of  influencing someone to make the choice that you want them to make. How do we use this in our parenting? Because this type of parenting produces an immediate result, one may feel that it is working but what they might fail to realize is that this choice carries long term effects. Dr. Latham is the mastermind behind the active parenting series. He talks about how children that were raised by coercion often go on to rebel against their parents.I have known people that chose the path of rebellion to spite their parents. They were tired of being told what to do all the time, and wanted to make a point that they no longer had to do it their parent’s way. In a sense, the child felt that their agency and choices had been taken away, because they had always been told what to do. I felt touched by the story that Dr. Latham shared about the little boy with his parents in the airport. The little boy, just doing what little boys do, gets reprimanded because his father was annoyed. Yes, he stopped, but his actions expressed his feelings towards his father. It was creating a wedge in their relationship and he was only five. I also appreciated reading in our book that "good enough ordinary parents probably have the same effects on their children's development as culturally defined super parents." The quote by David A. Nelson goes on to say that good parenting comes from "having a good enough environment that supports children's development to become themselves."

This gives me hope that we aren’t expected to be some super, stupendous, fabulously, wonderful parent. I fall short, but if I try my best and seek to provide a warm and supportive home for my children, and include the Lord in my parenting it can be enough. The reading also provided many suggestions on how to overcome the tendency to use coercion in parenting, and what we should do as parents to provide an ideal home life. I’m going to touch on a few of my favorites:

1. Provide warmth and monitoring in the home. Children need to feel loved. They need to feel that someone cares for them and that they are taken care of. A sense of love can come from having clear and concise boundaries and knowing that someone is there to watch over their activities and that is also mindful of their actions and choices. In chapter 11 “Parenting in Gospel Context” David A. Nelson cites that “children will be most open to instructions when they feel loved and accepted by their parents.” We don’t need coercion we need to show love and acceptance to our children. In doing this, they will be more receptive to direction and guidance from parents. 
2. “Confrontive Discipline” Next, parents must trade in the desire to coerce and use what Baumrind calls “Confrontive Discipline.” Discipline is a necessary aspect of parenting. Children need correction from time to time in order to guide them back to the proper path. As parents, we should not shirk this responsibility, nor should we overdo it. Baumrind defines confrontive discipline as being “firm, direct, forceful, and consistent” in correcting. When there is a good balance between love, guidelines and correction, children will thrive.
3. The last area that I wanted to touch on is in parental control as well as self-control. Our kids learn from our actions. If we yell, they yell. If we are quick to anger chances are they will follow this example ect. ect.  I wanted to share another quote from our weekly reading that I felt was so powerful. President Gordon B. Hinckley said “As children grow through the years, their lives, in large measure, become an extension and a reflection of family teaching. If there is harshness, abuse, uncontrolled anger, disloyalty, the fruits will be certain and discernable, and in all likelihood they will be repeated in the generations that follow. If, on the other hand, there is forbearance, forgiveness, respect, consideration, kindness, mercy, and compassion, the fruits again will be discernible, and they will be eternally rewarding. They will be positive and sweet and wonderful. I speak to fathers and mothers everywhere with a plea to put harshness behind us, to bridle our anger, to lower our voices, and to deal with mercy and love and respect one toward another in our home.” As we teach and live a Christlike life, our children will most likely follow this example.

Joseph Smith said “I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves.” This is the fruit that I desire from my labors as a parent. I want to teach my children, in a loving way, what is right and then allow them to make their own choices and govern their own lives. This requires Christlike parenting, and allows no room for coercion.

Hawkins, A. J., Dollahite, D. C., & Draper, T. (2012). Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives. Provo, UT: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.