We bring into our marriage traits, and rules that were learned in our family of origin. Some of these rules were learned explicitly, which means they were expressed verbally to us by our parents. For example, I have a list of family rules posted on the wall in my kitchen.  These are explicit rules.  My children have no doubt what I mean by these rules. Or, as children we may have learned rules implicitly, which means we were taught through non-verbal communication. An example of an implicit rule is when dad earns the paycheck and then turns it over to mom who then pays the bills.  Nothing is verbalized to the children in this act, however they learn quickly that mom is in charge of the money. The spoken, and unspoken rules that are learned in our youth can shape our outlook on situations in our marriage, and can have a large effect on how finances are handled in the home.

For example, if a child grows up in a home where it is implicitly implied that appearance, name brands, and “things” are all very important to one’s image, can cause them to believe that having “things” is important in their marriage.  This could possibly lead to using credit cards and racking up debt because image is highly important and worth the trade-off of going into debt for it. Or you may have a child that was explicitly taught the importance of staying out of debt and paying for everything with cash.  This will also have an effect on how money is managed in their marriage. It is important to understand some of the rules that were taught in our homes, in order to distinguish what will be beneficial to our family life, what can potentially be dangerous, and how our spending or saving habits will be affected.

Money is what makes the world go round.  It can bring peace and security, but it can also bring heartache and stress. One way that money can bring stress is when one over extends their finances and uses credit cards to make up the difference. Several years ago, my husband and I had some great friends that we did nearly everything with.  She was a stay at home mom, and he was starting his own business.  They seemed to have it all.  A big beautiful house with the nicest décor, they were always taking fun trips, their kids had everything they wanted and were always dressed to a tee and their life just looked so carefree and happy. I could never understand how they did it, and I couldn’t help but feel somewhat envious of their situation.  They had what looked like a picture perfect life, and I would catch myself longing to live a similar lifestyle. Their life was this way for many years, until everything came crashing down around them.  Our friends confided in us that they were in huge amounts of debt.  They had been using credit cards, home equity lines of credits, and had extinguished their savings account.  My heart broke for them as they lost their home, filed for bankruptcy, and soon after their marriage fell apart. What had once looked like the ideal situation to me, was soon uncovered to be a façade that wrecked their life.   

I could spend a great deal of time sharing some of the implicit and explicit rules that were taught in their home that contributed to their problem (along with some of their own poor choices) but for the sake of time I will just say that there were learned behaviors in both of their homes that contributed to how they viewed life and money.  The reason I share this story is to warn those that have yet to marry, or have been married and are contemplating using credit cards…don’t do it! It is not worth the grief and anguish that will eventually come.  As members of the church, we have been counseled time and time again to live within our means.  This means that we shouldn’t seek after lavish things, make do with what we have, and also make the best with what we have, save for a rainy day, be full tithe payers, and prepare for a bright future.  Credit card debt can hold one back from living this principle. Prophets have given this council to direct our lives in such a way that we are able to live a full and enjoyable life.  The Lord does not want us to be bogged down with worry and stress. He wants us to thrive and have joy in our journey. If we follow the council that we have been given, make ourselves aware of what we have learned in our youth that will influence our spending and budgeting habits, and work together as spouses, while including the Lord in our financial decisions, we will enjoy the peace and security that money can provide.

         (Family Council Meetings are an important part of leadership and unity in the home.)

Family leadership and unity are important aspects to a solid home and family life. Parents are the leaders in the family. Leadership does not mean ruling the home like a dictator or in a harsh manner, but the parents are responsible to set guidelines and rule in the home, and then enforce them. Parents should not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines, and to say no when it is needed. “As Dr. John Rosemond counseled: “Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N. This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language––‘'No’ . . . Unfortunately, many, if not most, of today’s children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency. They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need” (John Rosemond’s Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children).

This quote really struck me and in fact I posted it on my Facebook page to share with my friends.  The response that I got was very interesting.  There were many that agreed with the quote and responded with comments like “love this”, “two thumbs up”, “this is so true” and then I had a couple comments that were on the complete opposite side of opinion and they voiced their dislike of the quote. One person responded “He makes it sound so mean like you're a bad parent if you don't tell your kids no every day?” and another responded with “Being told no all the time just for the sake of trying not to be over indulging is just going to cause resentment. I don't see anything wrong with spoiling kids as long as it doesn't make them brats.” I really respected the words of my friends, although my personal beliefs on parental leadership in the home differed. Even though he makes the assumption of using no in "daily doses" I think he's applying that to parents that NEVER say no and suffer from over indulged children. I don't have to say no to my children daily, but it is because my husband and I have tried to instill moral and general guidelines in our home. In the beginning, yes I felt like I had to say no more frequently in order to set the standard, but now that the guidelines are understood by my children I very rarely have to give a daily dose of Vitamin N. In fact, I really like to say yes as much as I possibly can.

I feel that we live in a society that has a few things a little backwards. To say no to your child is viewed as being mean. I view it as being caring. I will forever say no to things that will hurt my child or have a negative effect on their future. That's my role as a parent; to teach, guide and love (and sometimes it takes saying no to accomplish these things). I do believe that children need to have autonomy and learn to make their own choice and decisions, but that should also come in small doses as well, and should be given age appropriately. I see kids carrying around a $500.00+ cell phone at age 7. Not only is that a huge expense for an irresponsible child to now have to be responsible for before they're ready, but it can also be very dangerous to the child if it's not monitored. I often wonder if it's because a parent can't say no to the peer pressure of giving their child a phone because "everyone else has one." (Just fyi, this is my personal opinion and not meant to sound critical of others that chose to allow their child technology).

 I worry for parents that are fearful of saying no to their child. I think that they believe they are helping to show their child love, but in reality they are setting them up for failure, and heartache by allowing them to become too spoiled, and self-centered. Our ultimate goal is to be unified and bonded as a family.  If we want to accomplish this, it begins with strong parental leadership it the home.  Parents are not going to feel unified with their children if their children are out of control, and children aren’t going to feel very close to their parents if they don’t have the clarity of what is expected. We need the companionship of the Holy Ghost in our lives and homes in order to obtain unity. Elder Eyring said “Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony. The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Ne. 11:29). It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people, which lead to strife. It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls. A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls.” A unified home that is entrusted with strong parental leadership can influence the world. It will produce strong families and relationships.

Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families. (2008, March 28). Lecture, Provo.

That We May Be One - Henry B. Eyring. (n.d.). Retrieved December 2, 2015, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng